Shrink

Stress and Insects

So I already freaked out about going to the shrink and therapist tomorrow. I don’t know if it is the fact that my mother in law is taking me or the fact that I am not feeling good or just the fact that I just feel like I’ve been thrown into a mess of stress.

Either way my tummy is upset and I’m trying to chill but tonight as I am getting into bed to write this very blog I found a fucking tick on me. I have never in my life had a tick on me. I didn’t scream and run in circles but I wanted to. I did cry, I admit it. I think that I handled it like a trooper though.

However now I am freaked and itchy and seriously hate the fucking bugs. They used to leave me alone because I was filled with medications that must have smelt or tasted like poison to them. Yet another good reason to get medicated.

Hopefully by next week we will be giving the people the information to build our new home and this will all seem worth it, until that time I might just go a little batty.

Ow

My head and mouth is killing me, I haven’t taken any Percocet because it makes me itch and I am pretty sure that is not a reaction I want to be having. I have been hmm and hawing it for the last few hours if I should change my mind and go for it. Needless to say this blog will be short. Hard to write when the head hurts.

met with the psychologist today and she was pretty nice. I’m gonna keep her for now and see how things go.   Gonna start once a week and I will also be seeing a shrink that is in the same office so I I’ll be hooked up. Can’t wait to start working on things.

anyhow gonna go to bed, head hurts to much!

I’m Sad, Has the Woes

And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.

I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing.  Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself.  I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.

I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day.  No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.

The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …

 

 

WTF Dude

Today I was feeling itchy and coughing like usual when I thought hey maybe this might be something the shrink should know. It might be because of the lithium right? Then I was writing a list so I wouldn’t forget anything kind of going over my body point by point and found this tender lump on my throat near my collar bone. That kind of freaked me out so I called the shrink right away, no answer. Paged him and he called me back but kind of politely gave me shit for using the paging for a non-emergency. Told me he would call me back later.

So I waited until 7:30pm and decided to go out to the pier and take my daily pictures. It was freaking cold, the waves were high and we ended up having to buy hoodies because I was wearing a tank and he was wearing a T-shirt. I don’t mind I can never have enough hoodies. We hung around for about an hour it was really nice. I am going to miss the ocean. I won’t miss the people here but that ocean I love to sit near it and think.

Anyhow I got home about 30 minutes ago and lo and behold the doctor calls. I shouldn’t be alarmed by the tummy issues and the itching, he is testing my blood on Thursday or Friday. I need to go see a doctor about the lump though, his best guess is it’s a swollen lymph-node but since he is not that kind of doctor and is talking by phone he didn’t really want to guess.

I don’t think Doctors realize how hard it is for an anxious person to go and get their blood taken when things in the tummy aren’t sitting right. I guess I’ll wait and I now have to go back to the walk-in to see someone. I really miss Omaha right now, where the doctors actually give a crap, you know?

Even paying 350.00 cash can’t make a doctor pretend to care here and this new one under insurance.. well I’d replace him if I wasn’t leaving in 35 days..

Weird Things About Me

As I have said lately I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do it’s REM and it’s short, like repeating the same dreams over and over all night hoping to come to a conclusion of sorts.

My dreams have always been very vibrant and very real.  Last night as I was dozing off reality started becoming the dream. The walls changed, the things and people around me changed until I was in the dream. The colors got more vibrant, I could smell and hear everything very clearly.. then it shifted back to a dark bedroom with a snoring husband and two cuddled up dogs.

It was literally happening for moments at a time. Swapping back and forth. The dream of course moved forward bit by bit but this continued for many hours. I am so damned tired. I can not even drift off without me being aware that things are about to change yet again. It feels like a hellacious acid trip. I know from experience, not proud of it but I know exactly how acid made me feel. This is just exactly the same, except of course there is nothing funny about this at all.

Some people love the lucid dream. I usually love the fact that I have so much control while I am asleep, the fact that sleep and unsleep are crossing is what I have an issue with.

I don’t want to eat.. The thought of it makes me feel so sick. Everything tastes like shit.  I have to do it so I do, then it sets off a torturous few hours of tummy troubles. My body is so pissed at me. I should probably go to the doctor, but right now I am considering cancelling my appointment for the new shrink.

My nerves are on edge. I feel shivery and terrified.. My stomach hurts. I’m afraid.

I told my husband I couldn’t promise I would go. I can’t. I don’t know that I just won’t call and cancel. I am so afraid of dying and so afraid of seeing doctors when I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like I am going to break, snap, invert, disappear..

I feel so alone right now.

Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.. that fixes everything right? HA

I have a feeling I am going to ruin Vegas… fuck.

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

I Want To Barf

I finally got up the courage and cut ties with my shrink. I feel like puking now, my hands are shaking my heart is racing. Hello old friend Panic Attack haven’t seen you in a while.

I wonder if I should just see one and let them diagnosis without telling what is actually wrong with me. I mean of course I would offer answers, but I feel like everyone just goes with the easiest course..

She’s Bipolar 1, She’s Bipolar NOS, she’s blah blah blah.. I don’t know I think the first doctor who got me before medication might have know a little more than this last one who saw me partially medicated without any real knowledge of what I was going through.

If someone would have asked me if I had dissociative things happening to me, I would have said no, but I clearly have a lot of leanings this well as well as the bipolar 1.. So maybe I’ll get some real help now that I understand what all these things happening to me really are.

There is nothing worse than telling a doctor you are constantly disconnected from your body and them not even acknowledging it.. Well I start the look today since I am sitting up but mostly numb mode..