Month: March 2014

I Am A Scary Bitch Sometimes

I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!

I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.

I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.

More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.

I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.

Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.

I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.

I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!

Can I Get A Woot Woot!!

So I went to the doctor to get a referral for a shrink and the dude gives me a number to call. I never mentioned the things that I want to do to fix my situation just that I needed one for my bipolar 1. I thank him and head home and wait a couple of hours to call. Not really sure why. I was nervous. I am not looking forward to the experimentation that goes with trying to get to more common feelings.

I finally did call the number and it was to a ECT place, not a shrink.. I laughed my ass off after she told me and got forwarded to the actual psychiatrists. I got in the mood disorder specialist, I however told the receptionist that would she just want to give me the ECT I would consider this all solved.

Not been a great day other than that. My husband and I were supposed to have the day alone. My mom and sister decided they were not going to go to Disneyland today and then later on hmm and hawed enough that I asked hubby to take them there so they could leave the car seat in the car. Took him two hours to get there and 1 hour to get back. I am starting to worry that I am just too damn nice at the expense of myself. I have hardly seen my husband since mom came and then we ended up only having a couple of hours to run some errands before he had to head back out the door.

I am so frustrated.. I need a joint.. My muscles are all sore, not sure if it is the stress or the cold that I have, either way I feel like shit and would like to be able to relax and zone out for a while. What a girl to do though..

Not Much Happening

Mood: Good, been a few little saddish moments but mostly good. Having trouble sleeping again!

Not a fan of birthdays but today was actually pretty nice. I had banners and balloons and cake, Plus Pressies which I love!!

I don’t normally celebrate birthdays in a normal fashion, actually I am usually just miserable.. Once again I have no idea why I just think it is one of those triggers.

Tomorrow I go to the doctors to hopefully get that referral. I’m nervous and excited.

Hubby and I talked some more about moving back to Nebraska, it really seems like a good idea right now. I hate to give up the gorgeous weather but I just think it would be awesome. I am hoping we know something by the time we go to Las Vegas in April, so we can hopefully give his mom the news of us coming back. I think that would make her day, on top of the wedding that is.

My poor yorkie is still feeling terrible, Poor girl. I love her to pieces and hate to see her feeling poorly. They are going to a dog hotel while we are gone, little buggers are getting better rooms than us! LOL They deserve it though.

Well thatis it for today I will let you know how things go with the doctor, I doubt it will be very eventful. Hopefully I can get hubby to take me to the forest afterwards!

Holy Moly

Mood: Good, weird right?

It is hot here in SoCal. Really hot.. I am comfortable at about 68F anything above that is typically too warm for me. However I absolutely have needed to get out of the house. Which is honestly awesome.  I have walked around a lot, went to brunch with hubby and just generally enjoyed the day. Things seemed to have hit a good spot (crosses fingers). I would like the calmness to continue.

By the time you are are reading this it will be my birthday. Hard to believe 13 years ago I had planned to end my life on this day. I am very glad I didn’t even if I have to struggle each and every day.

The sad thing is I realize that I live my life to be with my husband and need to become more independent. I am not sure how to do this though.

My husband talked to me about moving back to Omaha which really has a lot of pros, we would be able to get a better house, I am more willing to go out there. I would have family for holidays.

Here I basically have the weather.. Which seems to be a silly reason to stay here.. We’ll see what happens when he talks to his boss next week. I hate waiting to find these kinds of things out. Honestly though I want to be in a house at the end of the year. I need some stability. So here or there it’s gonna happen.

For some reason though despite the cold winters, hot summers and tornado season the idea of moving to Omaha kind of excites me.

I hate that I have nothing of value to write but I am keeping my promise to keep doing this every day! so woot

 

OMG For Realz?

Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?

I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough.  It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?

My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.

My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card.   I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.

Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow.  I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.

I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather.  Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.

My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day.  Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*

I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.

A Funny Thing Happened

Mood : Elated!

Hubby is finally home!!! Thank goodness. However before he came home he talked to me a lot about what I was going through. He even suggested that I be my boldest and talk to my mom. So I paced around the house and built up my nerve and when she came home I asked if she could talk.

I asked her to just listen while I said my piece. I actually had made a note so I could read from it and keep on track. I thanked her for helping with the housework and told her that I hope she didn’t feel obligated to do it. I told her that if she wanted to help me with my bipolar, I didn’t need advice but just a ear to bend.  I even told her that this is not what I expected from the visit.

As the night went on I started feeling better, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I was laughing and talking and feeling more comfortable. I am not sure if this was just the talk or the talk and the combination of hubby coming home but when I woke up this morning I felt even better, I woke smiling even with just 3 hours sleep!

I go to the doctors the day after my birthday, so I am excited about that, also a little nervous because I am afraid that I won’t be believed because my mood has no edge currently. I guess we’ll see..

Thank you for the comments, they have helped!!

Now I Remember Why I Never Go Back To Canada

Mood: SAD, ANGRY, SAD

I am sitting here after another crying spree because my mother says horrible things. Her and my other sister are on the outs and she expects me to be a middle man. Like I need that kind of stress. Then she says I never do anything for her.. FFS what the hell did I do to deserve that.

Last night I admit I drank a couple of bottles of wine by myself so I could relax, maybe get a little sleep and play Rock Band with my mom and sister. It wqas actually a fun night though I didn’t sleep until almost 10am. 2 hours of sleep though, I’ll take it.

When I got up mom is like you need to vacuum I did everything else.. First off I didn’t ask you to do anything and stop telling me what to do in my own home.. Is what I should have said.  Instead I just quietly vacuumed.

Last night my sister said you can sing, I can’t really but I can play rock band. My mom asked me why I thought I couldn’t sing, right then I wanted to say it was making fun of me mom.. but instead I blamed my dad.. She forgets that she was a different mom when she had her first three kids.

In the last few days I have cried multiple times, this is stressful enough without me being poked at.. Cant wait for my husband to come home. I am really starting to hit a very large pit of hell.. 32 hours to go.. ugh.. that seems like a lifetime..

Maybe I am just better off with no one but my husband in my life. I thought things were going to be so different. I thought we were going to be going out together, etc.. nothing.. just me by myself all fucked up.

Funny how we build things up in our head and they turn out to be the way we thought we misremembered them.

I Just Want To Cry

I don’t know if it is stress, my depression or just because I feel left out of things.

First off my apartment is super tiny and with 4 adults, 1 little person and 2 dogs it is way to crowded with junk.. My computer room/guest room is so full I can’t even get to my computer so I have to use this lap top which I hate.

My mother bought dollar store food and I am terrified she is going to give me food poisoning..

My sister and mom are having a great time together and I am having a hard time with it. My mom is so reasonable and supportive on the phone but then she says stuff like, just don’t worry.. Well thanks that’s the answer.. You need to take estrogen, you need to take blah blah.. She is driving me crazy..

They went to Venice Beach today and my sister bought things for everyone, not even a postcard for me though. I feel like the owner of a bed and breakfast. It made me cry today when hubby called. I mean cry a lot.. Then of course he made me laugh. It helped to get those things off my chest, it’s not like I can say them to mom..

She is supposed to be living with me 6 months a year, how will this even work.. I dunno.. I just know I am about ready to lock myself in my room until hubby gets home Friday..

Fuck fuck fuck fuck…

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

I Can’t Control Anything

Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.

I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.

I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.

One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.

Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..

Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..

I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..

I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..

Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe

Letters…