Bipolar

Holy Moly

Mood: Good, weird right?

It is hot here in SoCal. Really hot.. I am comfortable at about 68F anything above that is typically too warm for me. However I absolutely have needed to get out of the house. Which is honestly awesome.  I have walked around a lot, went to brunch with hubby and just generally enjoyed the day. Things seemed to have hit a good spot (crosses fingers). I would like the calmness to continue.

By the time you are are reading this it will be my birthday. Hard to believe 13 years ago I had planned to end my life on this day. I am very glad I didn’t even if I have to struggle each and every day.

The sad thing is I realize that I live my life to be with my husband and need to become more independent. I am not sure how to do this though.

My husband talked to me about moving back to Omaha which really has a lot of pros, we would be able to get a better house, I am more willing to go out there. I would have family for holidays.

Here I basically have the weather.. Which seems to be a silly reason to stay here.. We’ll see what happens when he talks to his boss next week. I hate waiting to find these kinds of things out. Honestly though I want to be in a house at the end of the year. I need some stability. So here or there it’s gonna happen.

For some reason though despite the cold winters, hot summers and tornado season the idea of moving to Omaha kind of excites me.

I hate that I have nothing of value to write but I am keeping my promise to keep doing this every day! so woot

 

OMG For Realz?

Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?

I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough.  It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?

My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.

My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card.   I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.

Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow.  I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.

I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather.  Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.

My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day.  Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*

I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.

A Funny Thing Happened

Mood : Elated!

Hubby is finally home!!! Thank goodness. However before he came home he talked to me a lot about what I was going through. He even suggested that I be my boldest and talk to my mom. So I paced around the house and built up my nerve and when she came home I asked if she could talk.

I asked her to just listen while I said my piece. I actually had made a note so I could read from it and keep on track. I thanked her for helping with the housework and told her that I hope she didn’t feel obligated to do it. I told her that if she wanted to help me with my bipolar, I didn’t need advice but just a ear to bend.  I even told her that this is not what I expected from the visit.

As the night went on I started feeling better, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I was laughing and talking and feeling more comfortable. I am not sure if this was just the talk or the talk and the combination of hubby coming home but when I woke up this morning I felt even better, I woke smiling even with just 3 hours sleep!

I go to the doctors the day after my birthday, so I am excited about that, also a little nervous because I am afraid that I won’t be believed because my mood has no edge currently. I guess we’ll see..

Thank you for the comments, they have helped!!

Now I Remember Why I Never Go Back To Canada

Mood: SAD, ANGRY, SAD

I am sitting here after another crying spree because my mother says horrible things. Her and my other sister are on the outs and she expects me to be a middle man. Like I need that kind of stress. Then she says I never do anything for her.. FFS what the hell did I do to deserve that.

Last night I admit I drank a couple of bottles of wine by myself so I could relax, maybe get a little sleep and play Rock Band with my mom and sister. It wqas actually a fun night though I didn’t sleep until almost 10am. 2 hours of sleep though, I’ll take it.

When I got up mom is like you need to vacuum I did everything else.. First off I didn’t ask you to do anything and stop telling me what to do in my own home.. Is what I should have said.  Instead I just quietly vacuumed.

Last night my sister said you can sing, I can’t really but I can play rock band. My mom asked me why I thought I couldn’t sing, right then I wanted to say it was making fun of me mom.. but instead I blamed my dad.. She forgets that she was a different mom when she had her first three kids.

In the last few days I have cried multiple times, this is stressful enough without me being poked at.. Cant wait for my husband to come home. I am really starting to hit a very large pit of hell.. 32 hours to go.. ugh.. that seems like a lifetime..

Maybe I am just better off with no one but my husband in my life. I thought things were going to be so different. I thought we were going to be going out together, etc.. nothing.. just me by myself all fucked up.

Funny how we build things up in our head and they turn out to be the way we thought we misremembered them.

I Just Want To Cry

I don’t know if it is stress, my depression or just because I feel left out of things.

First off my apartment is super tiny and with 4 adults, 1 little person and 2 dogs it is way to crowded with junk.. My computer room/guest room is so full I can’t even get to my computer so I have to use this lap top which I hate.

My mother bought dollar store food and I am terrified she is going to give me food poisoning..

My sister and mom are having a great time together and I am having a hard time with it. My mom is so reasonable and supportive on the phone but then she says stuff like, just don’t worry.. Well thanks that’s the answer.. You need to take estrogen, you need to take blah blah.. She is driving me crazy..

They went to Venice Beach today and my sister bought things for everyone, not even a postcard for me though. I feel like the owner of a bed and breakfast. It made me cry today when hubby called. I mean cry a lot.. Then of course he made me laugh. It helped to get those things off my chest, it’s not like I can say them to mom..

She is supposed to be living with me 6 months a year, how will this even work.. I dunno.. I just know I am about ready to lock myself in my room until hubby gets home Friday..

Fuck fuck fuck fuck…

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

I Can’t Control Anything

Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.

I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.

I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.

One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.

Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..

Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..

I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..

I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..

Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe

Letters…

Family Values

Mom and my sister are here. I was stressed out but woke up slightly hypo-manic but happy which is a really nice change. It was so wonderful to see my sister whom I haven’t seen in about 13 years. My niece is beautiful and my mom is awesome as always.

Though I really think that my insanity is inherited. Not three hours we are talking about the most ridiculous stuff. I know when I am nervous or stressed I end up talking about things I normally wouldn’t. It seems my family is quite similar. The weird thing about my family is they are like me, no censorship. This can be a good thing or a bad thing.

Tonight it was hilarious though. I swear my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Have you sat there and talked to your family about sex/fetishes? Dated someone that your mom ended up dating later?

Ya this is my life…

Why I Need To Learn Patience

I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.

She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider.  Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.

Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.

A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister..  Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.

I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..

Blech

Functioning Bipolar?

I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick. I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a picking spiral. I find hair gross, but holes grosser. I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.  But in that time,  I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.  Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.  It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?

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