Life

Girl Next Door

So Mom got the lot next door. What seemed was impossible might actually be possible. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook.

I didnt hasve therapy appts today but I ended up spending our entire day out of the house. Eating out but keeping on diet. So proud of myself, it’s so hard.

Shopping at Bath and Body, I’m such a girly girl. I got a full collection of Japanese Cherry Blossom which is my favorite tree. I would love to grow one!

Mom signed the papers to hold the lot next to our and now she has to put her house up for sale. It will be complicated but it will be wonderful once we move into our own home and mom moves in next door.

I’m mostly tired and cant think of much to write about.  Tomorrow will be better. I plan on painting and might have something to post.

Trying To Love Myself

I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.

I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?

Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.

I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.

Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.

Sexual Frustration

So hubby asnd I are going to do the thing natures likes us all to do since we have the house to ourselves and bam! in walks the mother in law yelling is anybody home? Hello? Hello?

Well the fucking car is in the driveway lady obviously we are home.

I’m pissed! We rarely have sex and I’m rarely in the mood for it and it is ruined.. fuck fuck fuckity fuck..

No fuck..

A FitBit Day

Today I decided to get a fitbit. It’s a little pedometer that does a few other things I havent figured it out.

I’ve decided that I am going to start working on getting in shape. I was going to wait until we moved into our home late Feb early March and I was using that as an excuse to keep eating crap all the time and drinking tons of soda and not bothering to exercise.

That’s about to change. That walk we took through the woods showed me that life could really be different if I was healthier. Not only would I be able to do more things but I would feel better about myself.

So the first thing I am going to do is stop drinking soda and caffeine. I am gonna try and walk each day too, even if it is just circling to house, or doing one of those 15 minute miles. It’s time for this woman to change. I can always keep dreaming or I can make those dreams come true. Only I can make it happen. Time for that to start.

Fall Is Beautiful

Today my husband and I went and explored some woods near the new house. It’s a national forest called Schramm. It’s really quite lovely and I took some really good pictures. I’ll add them to this post later, I have to move them all over the place to get them on here since I didn’t take them with my iPad.

We talked a lot and ended up walking for 3 fricken miles. I am really sore. I’m not sure how much pain I am gonna be tomorrow but I am in some now. It was totally worth it. Even if I have to stay on the couch all day it was worth it.

I need to exercise more. I realize that I moved to a part of the country where being a larger gal is accepted much easier but I don’t want to be this way anymore. Life is short and I want to live it with energy and verve!

Got lots of vitamin D today from MR. Sun. Also hubby is trying to make it so that I can play my games on her computer. Cross your fingers it will give me something to do with my time.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.

I Hate Weekdays

When Monday comes around I get lonely, I get sad. This happens almost every week without fail. If hubby is home then it doesn’t. It’s pretty simple.

The fact that it’s been raining since last night doesn’t help. I have yet to buy a UV lamp and there hasn’t really been any sun. Yet I walked outside forgetting that it was a gov’t holiday enjoying the fresh crisp air and smell of decaying vegetation. I found something positive in a negative.

My mother in law didn’t get her loan approval so she wont be moving next door. I have to admit I am pretty sad about it. A legitimate reason to be sad. I can’t think of a way for it to work now. She could sell her house first but then she needs somewhere to live until the new one is built. I can’t take the cats and bird in. She has no where for them to go. Plus another 7 months of not being alone with my husband.

Some things are just not meant to happen I guess.

I’m going to try to not let it get me down. However it is during the week and keeping myself up is already hard.

I must keep my eye on the positives.

The positives are that my house building is moving forward. My marriage is strong and healthy. My mental health is getting better. I am looking toward the future instead of dreading it.

I’m alive, I’m healthy and can healthier. Life is good, even if my moods are the top most, my life can still be good.

Not Hating Myself

I often filled with self loathing. You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re stupid. I could go on.

Right now I don’t hate myself I realize I have some talent. I can cook. I can paint some and am learning more. I’m not ugly though I really hate this missing tooth. It makes me feel like a backwoods yokel. It will be replaced though.

I am not beating myself up. It’s really surprising when I am feeling down. I’ve even managed to be intimate with my husband. That rarely happens due to the self-hatred.

I would say the Latuda and therapy are definitely making my life better. The depression isn’t as hard. (so far) I’m starting to think more positively and even though some crappy things have been happening, I’m dealing with it.

I’m still writing my blog every day and I’m still getting out of the house.

So once again fuck you depression. You are not gonna beat me down this time.

Oh and Misha Collins wanna help me set up a charity for mental health research. You do a lot of good work 😉 like you would read this, hahahaha.

I am thinking about setting up a charity for bipolar research not sure where to start, but this is a goal I plan to have.

Fricken Moles

Several years ago I had a large precancerous mole on my back, it left a rather horrible scar but instilled the fear in me that I needed to check my body monthly for more of these little buggers.

As mentioned yesterday my husband found a couple of moles during our monthly search and today I decided to see a doctor as opposed to my therapist. Turns out I likely have a smaller version of one of those same moles. Lovely.

I go to the dermatologist at 7:30am next Friday to likely have it removed. I was assured it’s not melanoma so that is good at least. I am upset, when I should be somewhat relieved. Not dealing with this all that well.

The depression is definitely not helping at all. It’s just making it so I am unable to find happiness in much of anything and have little to no strength to pick my ass off the couch and do anything anyhow.

Screw you depression!!! I painted a little today and watched a cheesy movie.. I win for today.

Don’t Jump The Gun

I’ve been feeling crappy all damn day. Feeling ill gives me anxiety. It’s the one thing that can undo me.

I have been considering cancelling my therapy session and my visit to the salon all because I feel ill now.

I was upfront with my husband about it, though honestly if I cancel I likely wont be. He told me not to jump the gun.

I hate that it makes me so anxious that I plan to just hunker down and not leave the house. It’s ridiculous.

Tonight I at least got to watch TV shows that I enjoy(ed).

Short post tonight cause of the naughty tummy. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure.