anxiety

Hard Habit To Break

So today was an amazing day! 🙂 First off the shrink was amazing, she just gave me some additional medication to help with my social anxiety (propranolol). She also thought that ECT is a great option for me and is going to get that all set up. She wants to deal with the anxiety first because in her words, she wants to make sure I show for the ECT appts. I agree with her on that.

The appt with the therapist also went really well, we talked about my insecurities and where that may stem from and how my negative thoughts were now habit because my husband really hasn’t done anything to make any of them a fact.

It’s funny my BFF talks about creating habits and what I need to start doing it breaking them. That should be interesting. I look forward to it a lot.

The other great thing that happened is we can start moving forward in getting out house built. We start the process on Saturday!!! I am so thrilled. It was nice to have a good day for a change.

Also I went out for lunch and I went out for dinner and went into the pharmacy alone. I rocked it.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.

Day Three

Well today we nt out and bought some fireworks I can’t wait to blow them up, might be a little stress relieving!

Started to get some things for the room so it won’t feel like a jail. I mean it still will but at least it will have some little bits and pieces of me in it you know?

I won’t be able to take the Percocet as it is making me itching so I am going to ha to suffer with the pain all on my lonesome.

Tomorrow I see my new psychologist, I am nervous and excited. It will be good to start working on my mental health again. I want to start working on some meds and ECT and get moving on life.

having a hard time writing my blog, my mom in law hasn’t stopped talking since she came home, through tv shows, yap yap yap. So much fucking talking it is driving me nuts, I feel so overstimulated and it is going to be nothing but getting worse.

It’s going to be so crowded and loud and talking and I just want some quiet. just shut up.. Argh

Last Day Til October

This will be my last blog written on my computer until we buy a house which will be October. We want to be in by Halloween as it is my favorite holiday and I want to be able to decorate. Almost all of our stuff is going into storage until then.

I won’t stop posting but I will be using my IPad or my laptop to write on moving forward so most of the posts are not likely to be perfectly edited. While on the road the next few days I will likely be making very short posts, we want to get to Omaha as soon as possible so it will be post, sleep, drive, mix, repeat.

I am  super stressed out today. In fact as I write this I am having a lot of dissociative feelings. I feel like my head is under the sea.. Everything just doesn’t feel right. I hate that, but what are you going to do right? I’ve taken my antianxiety meds and am mostly just trying not to curl up. It’s my natural reaction. My body shuts down and wants to go to sleep to avoid everything.

Not really something I can do though. The movers will be here in a little over 12 hours and then we will be on the road for 6-8 hours then 2 more days of 8-10 hours, something like that. I takes a while to drive there and there looks like there is going to be weather.. Scary.. fucking weather. I miss it but not the scary stuff, I just hope we are safe. I want to get Omaha with as little stress as possible.

Wish me luck ..

Fighting Anxiety

Today has been really hard and I have to admit I’ve been dipping into my anti anxiety meds to function.
My wonderful husband gave me a back rub and watched tv with me in the bedroom. He’s being very supportive. Yet he still said something that made me want to slap him hard.
Stop being stressed. Seriously stop being stressed? Omg is it really that easy. Here I go … Fuck you.

I just evil- eyed him and said seriously? I wouldn’t be stressed if I could just stop.

I’m fighting not going to to the closet and curling up in fetal position. I don’t even know why I am so stressed. I’ve driven across country before. I’ve lived in Omaha before.

It’s actually a really great thing that is happening but I am still freaking out.

I hate my brain pretty much every day.

Bettering Myself

I’ve been trying to better myself.  I usually just shut myself off and have nothing to do with anyone but my husband or people in games. I’d rarely opened up to anyone and lied to my shrinks about how I felt because I didn’t want to admit to any weaknesses to anyone. My answer was always I’m ok.  Regardless of how bad I was feeling I would never tell anyone.

It got to be too much, I was constantly living in fear of death. Either just by some outside source or by myself.  I was tired.  I decided that I would start writing a blog on Jan 29th  and at the time it was just to keep track of my moods and maybe vent a little. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing everyday but slowly I did. I am actually proud of myself for keeping at it. Besides my marriage I have never stuck to anything that long.  I never thought I had the ability to do anything for more than a few days to a couple of weeks.

Yet at this time I am at 145 posts on this blog.  I decided that I would write another blog just for creative writing and I need more challenges and am at 38 posts, some days have more than one but it’s another thing I have managed to do for at least 30 days. I took pictures every day for 30 days as a challenge to my BFF, today will be the last day of that. 30 days of going out every single day regardless of how I feel. I find it amazing honestly.

I’m proud of myself. I’m forcing myself to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions just by setting goals for myself.  When my depression is at it’s worse instead of sitting and wallowing in bed, I get up, I write and I go out. It’s by no means easy. Some days, like today for example I find it very hard to even sit in front of the computer and try to put thought to paper, so to speak. Yet here I am posting.

Last night I was sitting in bed, so sad and afraid of my husband going on his trip. Filling my head with whatif’s. I am afraid I’ll feel suicidal and he won’t be here to save me. However I can’t give in to those fears. I went to a site on suicidal ideation to read up on it. Afterwards they had a little link to some jokes. I decided to follow it and laughed and cried my ass off for the better part of an hour. I really don’t know that they were that funny but it was cathartic  I needed that laughter and those tears. I think my husband might have thought I was crazy. But he loves crazy so he’ll deal 😀

I’m taking a few days off from going out while my husband is gone. I need to work on the packing as we leave in 16 days and I don’t want to slide backward by making my anxiety attacks more frequent. I am very stressed with the move and everything else going on. I fully admit I am afraid to go out while no one in here at home and that is something I will cover in the future, one step at a time.

So what can I do to improve myself while he is gone? I will wake up and brush my teeth. I’ll eat breakfast and I will not sleep in all day regardless of just how easy it is to make time pass that way. It doesn’t seem like much but for me they are all a challenge.  I’ll continue to write both blogs and do my lumosity as well.  A little at a time right?

To my friends in Denmark who emailed me recently, thank you for worrying about me. I love you.

New Brain Please

My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
Bipolarity.

Bad Haiku.

However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.

My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.

I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.

Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!

I Can’t Breathe

Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.

When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.

When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.

I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.

My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me.  So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..

It is a beautiful day.

I walk around the block by myself.

It’s time to breathe.

Empowerment

servingI’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.

I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body,  I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.

I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need.  I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in.  Screw that.

I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.  I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.

La De Da

Today I am still feeling good about going off the Lithium.  I woke up still feeling blechy. I don’t expect a change over night though. I am going cold turkey the worst I read about doing it is the chance of mania. I can deal with it. If there is a problem hubby knows how to deal with me.  So far so good though.

That’s not to say I am not afraid of being drug free, of course I am. I would be a fool not to feel like that. I remember what I was like before being medicated and I know there are risks. I am at least going into this with more knowledge about myself and my illnesses though.  Reading bipolar’s blogs, magazines, support boards I am way better equipped. I plan on getting back on some kind of regimen once I go home to Omaha until then I am tired of doctors who don’t give a shit just handing me one thing after another. Screw it.

I am doing my own exposure therapy that is getting me out each and every day. Today I went out to the La Brea tar pits and also had lunch it was fun. I had very little anxiety thanks to breathing and clonazepam.  Plus it wasn’t that crowded which helped a lot. I went to a new restaurant today so that I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to keep working really hard on this. Eventually I want to be able to go out alone and drive (hubby said I could have any year mustang I want if I get my license) I never thought I would drive, so who knows. Things are changing.

Every day I take a step forward towards healing and being a happier person.  I must fight, that’s why I’m alive. I don’t give up even though I sometimes really want to.

Go Me!!