sad

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

No Sleep, Just Eat

Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles.  I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.

I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..

I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!

Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…

On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.

sigh

WTH Is Wrong With Me?

We are going to Vegas in April and I need some outfits because most of my stuff is honestly house casual. I am as I have said before a larger lady and I am very self conscious. I either buy really slutty tops or stuff that is so baggy it completely covers me.  I have a four hundred dollar gift card and have even been given the go-ahead to shop from the bank and I still don’t want to shop 😦

I love shopping, I even went to Amazon and filled my cart then I for some reason completely emptied it. Did I mention I love shopping? Ya so no idea what is going on. I am depressed but usually shopping cheers me up.

I have been stuck in a downward slump for quite some time with maybe 1-3 hypomanic days. My mom being here made the depression worse though now that she is gone I am sad. I guess I am a sucker for punishment. I think one of the reasons it makes me so sad, is that I am so sure if we go back to Omaha she won’t come visit me again.

I just keep walking around the house feeling so blah about everything. Hubby should find out something today about moving back which will hopefully be good news and pick me up a little.  Who knew moving back to the Midwest would be a positive for me. Anything to get away from these skinny vapid Californians.  Though honestly I would move to Alaska if I could just leave here. I hate it, I feel so ugly and fat and gross..

Did I mention I absolutely hate myself? Oh ya I despise myself. I know I am a kind and funny person but I hate everything else about myself. I can’t find one thing.. I constantly am changing the color of my hair, right now it is red and black.. I’m a natural blonde I should just go with it, but I don’t like it. God I can’t wait to see the new shrink. I want to feel better..

I have a cold at present which isn’t helping either but as soon as it is done I am going to start doing my Shaun T’s Rockin Body again..  Maybe once I start that I will post it on my blog to help me stay on track. Meh who knows.

Colleen is a sad kitty..

I Dont Want To Write

I’m crabby, I don’t feel like writing. My mom is leaving at 4am and I likely will not see her again if we do end up moving to Omaha, my husband doesn’t think it is true but why would anyone come visit Nebraska? Seriously for the corn?

The only really great thing I can say about it is that the Zoo is marvelous and I look forward to spending many a Sunday there. If we go that is. We both want to though, hubby is talking to his boss about it tomorrow. So we’ll know something then. It seems like it is something everyone else wants as well.

Having to stay with the mom in law for several months would be hard but we would have a good down payment for a house if he doesn’t lose to much of his salary. It will be nice to own a real home with a real yard. As opposed to what we could buy here.

I dunno.. I don’t have anything to say, but I promised myself I would write..

blech

I Am A Scary Bitch Sometimes

I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!

I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.

I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.

More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.

I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.

Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.

I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.

I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!

I Can’t Control Anything

Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.

I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.

I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.

One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.

Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..

Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..

I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..

I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..

Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe

Letters…

Why I Need To Learn Patience

I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.

She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider.  Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.

Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.

A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister..  Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.

I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..

Blech

Sleepy and Sad

SADFACEToday I woke up sad and sleepy. I don’t know that I have a trigger for my depression other than stress and I am always stressed about something. Even the smallest little things. So I spent most of my day in bed, sleeping. I was trying to block out the world.

My dogs awoke me with barking and there were some men in the courtyard outside of my apartment yelling in Spanish so I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. My patio door was wide open, we leave it that way during the day since I am always home and the dogs like to go outside and get fresh air. Sometimes when I am aware of the realness of the world if I am going to sleep I close it, usually pretty frightened. Today was completely different.

I woke up listened and said to myself if they are going to kill me, might as well just let them kill me. I’m not feeling suicidal just very tired of the ups and downs. I am looking forward to seeing my shrink on the 27th. I wish that she wasn’t always so booked that it takes a month to get into see her. But what can I do. I am not ready to find a new doctor and I am hoping that she knows me well enough to listen to what I want from my treatment.

I wonder how long the sadness will last this time, it always feels like forever… I hope this time it’s not.