Bipolar

Mondays are Taco Night

Every Monday I have my sister in law, mother in law and a friend of the family all over for taco night. We play some games, eat some tacos and have a generally good time.

I’m glad I am doing it today because I am feeling really lonely.

I remember my best friend saying I could contact her whenever I was feeling lonely. Yet she’s gone and I’m here and I’m lonely.

It seems to be even harder after a good weekend with my husband. I’m glad I chose Mondays for this.

I didn’t write all weekend cause I was having a good time with hubby enjoying life. We walked and talked and hung out.

Nothing To Do

Being pretty much housebound during the day is wearing thin on me. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I think that I’ve said that like a million times.

All I do is smoke and try to take the edge off of my stress about doing nothing.

I’m so jealous of people with jobs or school or real hobbies. I mean ya I paint but my creativity has been shit lately too.

Sounds like depression to you? I know I am still having feelings about my friend dying but it seems to be leaking into everything. I am just sad and bored.

I feel like I should be just feeling grateful for what I do have and sucking it up. So you can add guilty to the feelings I have too.

This sucks.

Stumbling Around

I find myself wandering around my house every day trying to find something to do that will make me happy. I didn’t realize it right away but I am depressed. I mean considering what has happened I am not surprised. I’ve also been messing my meds up. Missing days here and there.

Day 3 without smoking. I’m not quitting I’m just trying to take the time to heal I need without feeling altered.

I am feeling slightly better today and I hope that means that things are on the upswing. I can’t do much about the depression or the illness but I can try and ride them out gracefully.

Anyone else gotten this crappy stomach bug?

I Hate Being Sick :(

I’ve had some kind of stomach virus for close to a week and it feels horrible. I’m sore and achey and really just want to go back to the day where I felt ok. Just ok would be amazing.

It helps with my weight loss though.  I think I can find better ways to deal with that honestly. Like eating good food. All I’ve had over the past week is crackers and ginger ale.

I’m on my second day without smoking anything. It helps a lot with the nausea but you know if you can’t eat when high that you are really and truly sick.

My mood is what I like to call sucky. You know where you just want to crawl into the lap of someone who loves you and be held? Ya that.

I’m working on writing more. Every other day so far. I hope to get back to posting every day again. It helps with well everything to be able to vent and know you have support.

Sorry I haven’t Been Posting

After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened.  Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.

I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.

My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.

Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..

My Best Friend Is Dead

At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.

I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.

I now have 0 friends.

It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.

I’m alone.

I’m Unhappy and Unsettled

I’m so lonely. I want to go out and do things and have fun. I’m tired of being in the house by myself all the time. I feel like I am going crazy.

I think trying to bury my head in weed over my friends impending death was a mistake. I’ve just spend every single day high and stagnant. Today I am not going to do that dammit.

Today I cried over watching someone doing something outside on TV. There is nothing to walk to here and I don’t drive though so I don’t know what to do.

How do I stop feeling so lonely?

Meds Working Too Good?

I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.

I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.

I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.

I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.

I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.

I wish Dani was here to talk to.

A Question

Do you think I should start posting daily again? I’m feeling torn on it. I miss it though a lot

The Miracle of Life

Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days.  It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.

Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.

I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.

Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.