Why Does The Next Day Suck

I feel like hell today. Actually physically I haven’t been feeling very good at all the last couple of weeks. Just general crap. Last night I managed to push through it and go out and by the end of the night I was feeling better. Well I felt like it at the time anyhow.

Today I feel horrible. Right back to the way it was and I find it very frustrating. I know once I lose weight I should start feeling better. Not just sitting on the couch every day will help. I’m kind of stuck in a rut. I feel like shit so I can’t do anything but if I don’t do anything I’ll feel like shit. Ugh.

I swear my blog is for whining. I’m annoyed with myself. I don’t even feel like going out and looking at the house, what’s up with that?

Maybe tomorrow will be better. maybe..

Date Night

I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.

It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!

I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.

I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.

Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.

Fidget, Fidget

Today my mood is better which is a good thing because I am so fucking bored. I am beginning to wish that I drove. There is nothing to walk to near way I am. It’s like the middle of no where. The lake is pretty but it’s frozen and I don’t know how to skate.

When we get into our house there are a few things in biking distance and a lot more thing being built that I will be able to walk to. Plus I’ll have my stuff so I won’t be bored to death. I’ve been drawing a little but I really want to paint. I’m tired of not having access or ability to do the things that bring me happiness.

It’s day in and day out of TV. I can’t even seem to get into reading. The floor is disgusting so I can’t do yoga. ARGHHH!
At least being pissed because I’m bored is better than being pissed for no reason.

Again this is also really lonely. I’ve been talking to hubby on AIM, tried to get a hold of my BFF but she has a lot going on in her life so I only get to talk to her a bit here and there. I’m just glad she is in my life. Wish we lived closer.

She reminds me that life is worth living, even if you are bored senseless.

Should Have Been Fine With OK

I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.

Why I hate my moods

Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.

I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.

When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.

I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.

When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.

I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.

Still Grumpy, Yet Saw Some Beauty

Here are some pictures of what i think are some beautiful area’s near us, Schramm Park and Platte River. I don’t feel much like writing today. Still wondering if it is the Lithium, I’ll give it a bit to adjust

Platte River
Platte
Schramm
Schramm Parl
Platte Frozen

Lithium May Be Bad

I am  annoyed. No I’m beyond annoyed. Everything is ticking me off and I have no patience.  I wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it isn’t loading properly. People are saying stupid ass shit, which makes me want to say mean ass shit. Grrrr.

I had a pleasant day earlier, went out grocery shopping and had lunch at olive garden. Then I bought a new cute pink purse and wallet. After that it all went to shit. Plus I think I am getting another head cold. So I don’t  know what is setting me off.. Just general annoyance, lithium or who fricken knows.

Anyhow, can’t make a decision after one day whether lithium is for me, I just know I have to be careful because I am sensitive to medications..

Wish me luck I need it.

In The Middle of the Middle

I have no idea how I feel. I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not happy, I’m not joy filled. I’m just in the middle of the middle.

Nothing happened today which is good, because if nothing happens, nothing bad happened.

I think I am a little frustrated and a little stressed because of the house.

I start the Lithium tonight, I am a little nervous but honestly I need to stop the spinning.  Ok I am more than nervous I think I am terrified to try adding another medication in when honestly the last week has been pretty damned good.

New stuff always makes me fearful. I’ve been having a few more anxiety attacks lately then I was having before. I know it will pass and I have to just fight through it.

Fight, breathe, fight, breathe, fight…I can do it.

Shrink and House

Well I have some great news! We got the closing date on the house. So Feb 26th I probably won’t be posting that day or the next, but moving into a house and not having internet is a really good reason to not post. 😀 I’m absolutely thrilled that there is an end date finally.

I went to my shrink and we talked about trying topomax but because I am sensitive to medications she checked out interactions and apparently it interacts  with two of the medications I am taking. So we talked about depakote, lamictal and lithium. I decided to try the lithium again. Depakote causes weight gain and I had a horrible time withdrawing from lamictal so this is where it stands.

Lithium worries me, but honestly I’m at a point where if I can stop the mood swings I am going to give it  a try again. I was so depressed on it before I wouldn’t have been able to tell if it was working or not.

I’ll do the research I need to so I don’t mess it up and try not to stress about it.

Does anyone remember what some of the lithium interactions with regular meds are? thanks!

Made It Through Night 2

I don’t know that this would have been as easy as it has been if we were in our house and I was alone. This has been pretty good though. I haven’t had a ton of anger or sadness about hubby being away and I’ve been able to sleep. All things that have been hard on me in the past. I don’t know maybe it is the meds working too. I seem to be on a more even keel.

I see my therapist tomorrow about a mood stabilizer which should also help with the mood stability.

I am thrilled hubby is coming home tonight. It won’t be until late but at least he will be curled up beside me when I am in bed.

I’ve been talking to my BFF about ADHD and wanting to work in the future. I really can only work from home currently but anything to help bring in the money again will be good. I hope I can avoid the phone sex but I think that I would do about anything if I could focus on it for more than 5-15 mins. I’ll talk to my therapist about it all though.

Really looking forward to tomorrow and maybe getting something else straightened out with my bipolarity.

Made IT Through Night One

I didn’t think I would be able to sleep last night without my big teddy bear but I managed to fall asleep after 2 hours or so. Luckily they have Cosmos on Netflix and I find it to be very relaxing to listen to or watch as I am trying to sleep.

Ms Ren my little yorkie cuddled up on the bed with me and when I woke up she had managed to take over 3/4 of the bed so it was just like having hubby there. lol.

Today I am really feeling the fact that he is in another town though. I get hugged multiple times a day, followed by snuggles in the evening. It makes me feel weird to not be touched. I don’t like it when anyone but him steps into my bubble, but my bubble feels so empty.

My mood is ok, like I’ve said I’ll take ok over being depressed.

I’m trying to look forward to things like getting on a mood stabilizer and also the big thing of the house.

Not sure if I told you about it yesterday but I found out it is going to be another week before we hear about our closing date, color me disappointed.  Still normally all this stuff would knock me on my ass and leave me stuck in bed sleeping and crying and I’m up and watching some TV trying to figure out something to do with my day.

Can’t wait until we get into the house and I have access to all my stuff. Finding things to do will be easier then.

One more night and day to go to snuggles.. whew..