bipolar

Things Are Actually Pretty Great Right Now

I have been in a pretty amazing mood today, jovial would be a great one word description. I went out and did some clothes shopping at Target!! I was so happy with myself for doing it and so loved to be able to touch and smell the clothing before I got it. I mean Amazon rocks but you can’t compare it to actually being able to be 100% positive you got the right size.

Yes shopping is my addiction of choice but I didn’t go overboard and got a few cute outfits for Las Vegas. I am hoping that I will be able to wear more than one out, if things stay up that is a good possibility. I tend to not be so anxious when I am like this. Plus I don’t completely hate myself right now which is more than a little unusual but I’ll take any of the positive things that come my way.

I have my bag all packed and ready to go, does it say something that I am bring a duffle bag and hubby is bring a medium suitcase? lol A girl can never be too prepared. Shoes and makeup and clothes and jewelry and hair stuff. When I do myself up for his mom’s wedding I might get him to take a picture so I can post it to the blog. We’ll see how that goes.

Either way I will be writing each night from our Hotel room and plan on sharing how everything is going.  I’m going to go do something creative now. TTFN

A Little Tired

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I’ve been super tired today and almost forgot to write in my blog, that would have been pretty upsetting. I don’t have much to talk about, my mood is still up and that’s great! I hope it stays that way for the next 9 days, after that, I can handle a little down time I am sure.

So I thought I would just post a couple cute bipolar posts.

People make fun of our bipolarity but I think it’s kind of funny to laugh at ourselves 🙂

A Little Hypo-Manic But that’s Ok

I’m happy, thrilled, loving life.. I know it’s not real but that doesn’t mean I am not going to enjoy it. I am excited about the new regimen though. I could do without the head/body aches from going off the lamictal though.

I worry about taking new drugs, I always have this fear of having an allergic reaction, I mean we are literally a five minute walk to the emergency room so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about it.

I have been a little itchy but I was itchy before I started taking medication. Honestly the sun makes my skin itch and it was hot, made me sweat.. I have to remind myself of these things otherwise I might stop taking the one thing that might make a difference in my future.

The new shrink called today to tell me my blood tests were fine and ask how I was doing and also to ask permission to talk to my old one. I told it was fine but that I was never honest with her about how crappy I was feeling. I don’t know why. I just happen to usually be in mid upswing when I saw her and didn’t think about talking about the way things were before that. Plus she was always so pleased to think I was doing well.

3 days until we leave for Vegas and honestly I am so excited. We may hardly leave the room but being in a clean place, no dogs, and having food delivered at any hour.. who wouldn’t want that. I’ll have to go to mom in law’s wedding but that shouldn’t take too long and if I am lucky I will get enough courage to at least go play the slots for a couple hours..

Slots are probably not the best thing for me to do but it is less addictive for me then shopping..

I bought a coloring book and a wedding card online and it gave me a little thrill which honestly is just ridiculous don’t ya think’?

Still Alive That’s Something

I feel better today then I did yesterday. I think maybe some of it is that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders more than anything else. I think as the stressful things start to get dealt with I will at least not have those things constantly stirring in my head.

Last night I read the side effects of Lithium on my medication pamphlet and almost didn’t take it. I mean most of it isn’t scary but there are a few things that definitely frightened me. I started to search the web on peoples reviews and realized I was only reading bad reviews which wasn’t going to put my mind towards taking it that was for sure.

I decided to be positive for a change and looked up positive lithium reviews. For the people it works for they have remarkably happy stories of returning to life as a fairly normal person. This gave me hope. Something I usually don’t partake in. So I took the pill last night and well it didn’t kill me so I think that’s rather splendid!

I am sure none of the side effects are instant but each day I take it I will become more confident in it. Know what I mean?

On a side note. My best friend and I decided that in two years we would apply for the Amazing Race together. We would work on both our mental and physical health and we would do this together.  It always helps to have a partner and having someone who thinks a lot like you can really help. We talk to one another like people are supposed to talk to bipolars, not like they feel like they should.

Five more days until Vegas, I am both excited and scared! Looking forward to it regardless 😀

 

Can I get a Wup Wup!

 

So despite all my fears about the way things would go, I ended up going to the new shrink.

Actually when I woke up this morning I had actually planned to not go. I was scared and I was tired and frankly I just didn’t want to deal with anything ya know?

Funnily enough though my best friend happened to be on AIM this morning and told me all these things I needed to get the courage to at least drive there. She is truly amazing. I wish we lived in the same state, I think we would be so good for one another.  Unless she comes to Omaha I know that will never happen so I realize that I am fortunate to have had a friend who actually gives and shit and doesn’t let me pull any of the stuff I do on hubby to get out of doing what I don’t want to. She always thinks I am stronger than I am. She see’s me in a whole different light then most people and when she said I could do it this morning. Well I couldn’t let her be wrong could I?

I decided to do something I have avoided until now. Even when they brought it up I tried to argue the point but after hearing some things about it I am going to be trying Lithium. I know there are a lot of bad things people say and I also know there are a lot of good things. Apparently even though it is the oldest Bipolar Drug, it is still the most successful.  On top of that I am going to be seeing an ECT doc and seeing how much they think it will help and hopefully in four weeks or so I’ll be going along that path.

It scares me but I have been saying no to this drug for years and I think it is time I finally gave it a shot. I think I might actually be pissed if the Lithium works cause that would mean I let one person’s reaction to it completely darken my opinion of it. I start tonight! I’ll be weaning myself off my Lamictal this week and staying on the Viibryd for now until the ETC guys and the lithium are in a place they are happy with. They want me to start seeing a therapist for my Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am glad that the doctors actually see what is there when I am not hiding behind a façade.

I’m proud of myself for a change.

*Now a quick rant which is not related to the above at all*

I always talk about how great my husband is. I tell this to well to everyone. He has problems just like everyone else. He’s a slob. He doesn’t like doing outdoorsy stuff. He can’t really fix things. He does stupid ass things that piss me off so much that I don’t even want to talk. Usually by pissed off I mean hurt. Today we got home from the doctors and I went to do something for a few minutes and I come back into the computer room and there’s this chick in a bikini on his screen. I am still not talking to him and it’s a couple hours later.  He knows how shitty I feel about myself. We have rules in the house because of it. Like no porn (that one he brought on himself). No looking at naked and scantily clad females or men, I don’t look either.

The fact we are not having sex at the moment really doesn’t help, it just makes me feel like if he does a little slip, won’t it be a big slip next? I’m probably overreacting but I’ll decide that when I am done being hurt and decide to talk to him about it.

*rant off*

When A Kid Can Be a Kid

Today I decided to write on a lighter note. I was thinking about when I was younger before I went all crazy. I thought I would list some of the things I loved to do as a kid. Maybe you would like to think about this yourself, we all have some good memories, even if we are haunted by the bad.

Favorite Games:

The Floor Is Lava!: The funny thing about this is I thought me and my sister had created this game. However it seems to be a game that many kids had created or been taught. Interesting though.

Marbles:  Marbles was so much fun for me because little did I know it covered a couple of my needs, collecting and gambling lol.

Freeze Tag: I loved this game. Actually any game of tag really. The thrill of being chased.

Favorite TV Shows:

Electra Woman and Dina Girl : I actually have a dvd of this and watching it now I realize just how cheesy it was, but still adore it! I remember me and my sister would tuck our t-shirts into our underwear and pretend to be them!

H.R. Pufnstuf : Again I own this still and am not sure what I liked about it, though it still makes me giggle.

Wonder Woman: Sense a theme here? I did and will always love Wonder Woman.  I was a naughty girl who stole a giant comic book about her from the school because the library wouldn’t let me take it out anymore.

Favorite Sport(s):

Gymnastics: This was my favorite thing to do in the world, I did flips and cartwheels all over the place instead of walking, hehe. I did this for 9 years and it kept me happy and focused while I did it.

Track and Field: I’m short, and have always been but that never stopped me from doing long jumps, high jumps and hurdles when I was a kid.

Favorite Season:

Autumn: Has and always will be. I know a lot of kids liked Christmas but I loved Halloween more. (still do!) Plus I loved the smells and the cool rains. The crispness of the air. I never liked being too warm.

Favorite Song(s):

Billy Don’t be a Hero : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cdFuMgMkBM

Da Doo Run Run : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj7nQ14iFwU

Beth : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABnCLr4Pp0&feature=kp

Favorite Place To Be:

This one is so easy. Outside!! Most kids when I was young, never wanted to be home. We didn’t have computers or Ipads and cell phones. In fact you had to call a landline and we could listen to each others calls without anyone knowing lol. I was outside as long as I was allowed. Even in the cold of winter I loved being out and playing in the snow.

What kind of good memories do you have as a kid?

 

 

 

Weird Things About Me

As I have said lately I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do it’s REM and it’s short, like repeating the same dreams over and over all night hoping to come to a conclusion of sorts.

My dreams have always been very vibrant and very real.  Last night as I was dozing off reality started becoming the dream. The walls changed, the things and people around me changed until I was in the dream. The colors got more vibrant, I could smell and hear everything very clearly.. then it shifted back to a dark bedroom with a snoring husband and two cuddled up dogs.

It was literally happening for moments at a time. Swapping back and forth. The dream of course moved forward bit by bit but this continued for many hours. I am so damned tired. I can not even drift off without me being aware that things are about to change yet again. It feels like a hellacious acid trip. I know from experience, not proud of it but I know exactly how acid made me feel. This is just exactly the same, except of course there is nothing funny about this at all.

Some people love the lucid dream. I usually love the fact that I have so much control while I am asleep, the fact that sleep and unsleep are crossing is what I have an issue with.

I don’t want to eat.. The thought of it makes me feel so sick. Everything tastes like shit.  I have to do it so I do, then it sets off a torturous few hours of tummy troubles. My body is so pissed at me. I should probably go to the doctor, but right now I am considering cancelling my appointment for the new shrink.

My nerves are on edge. I feel shivery and terrified.. My stomach hurts. I’m afraid.

I told my husband I couldn’t promise I would go. I can’t. I don’t know that I just won’t call and cancel. I am so afraid of dying and so afraid of seeing doctors when I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like I am going to break, snap, invert, disappear..

I feel so alone right now.

Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.. that fixes everything right? HA

I have a feeling I am going to ruin Vegas… fuck.

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.  I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.  I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching  this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.  Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.  The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?