moods

Creating and Complaining

I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.

My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.

Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.

Zoo Stuff

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Not Sure What I’m Feeling

My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.

When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.

I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.

Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!

I’m Too Old For Romance

So shut up and fuck me. This is the woman I have turned into.
As my husband lovingly strokes my arm I’m just not into it and say this is about orgasms not romance.
I love being touched don’t get me wrong. I could sit and snuggle for hours but I just don’t have the patience in the boudoir that I used to have.
Heck I am usually not in the mood for sex at all. Though in the past seven days I’d had it twice. Why? Purely selfish reasons. My own pleasure.
My husband will go weeks and weeks without anything then all of a sudden I say come here let’s do it. Am I ruining the experience for him and just breaking it down to the way a man wants it?
I so used to be into the romance and the tenderness but I just have no patience for it anymore. I don’t understand why. I honestly feel like a kid with ADD when it comes to sex.
I’m frustrated with myself because I want to want the romance. Not that hubby has ever been that great a romantic. He at least tried from time to time.

On an unrelated note yesterday I was in that super bitchy mood and still went out and took my pictures and something interesting happened. My bad mood went from almost getting out of the car to punch a selfish chick in the face, to being able to watch girls do what I call whore yoga in a park with amusement.

What is whore yoga you ask? It’s when young women dress in skimpy bikinis and the do head stands and other things that pretty much put themselves out for the world to see. Trust me girls that is not the way to get a husband.

Anyhow mood has been better since then. Not sure how it is going to turn out today but I’m curious to find out.

Bipolar’s Stuck In Their Teens

This is my opinion and pertains to me only, so don’t have a shit fit 😛

I feel like I am still stuck in my teens. I am rebellious, precocious, dramatic, manipulative and many other things that pertain to the angst of being a teenager.

I want to be a grown up, but I realize that when it comes down to it, I am just stuck on an emotional level. My husband says I see him as an authority figure as I often say no just to be spiteful. Sometimes I think that is true. Of course when he says it to me I deny it completely because seriously why would I admit that?

It gets worse the more depressed I get typically. When I am happy I am agreeable to most things. I am also more responsible, I spend less and I eat better. My depression is starting to raise it’s ugly head.

I have said in the past few weeks I have been weepy. Well it’s getting worse. Almost anything is setting it off. Really it could have better timing. I have packing to do, I have pictures to take and walks to go on.

I’m starting to feel drained though. Less likely to do anything. This is always the hardest time to be an adult and keep my word. I need to take better care of myself this time around. I can’t let it immobilize me. I need that teenager that is in me to rebel against the depression.

Really all I can do is hope.  Right now I am fighting the urge to just curl back up in bed and sleep.  My grapefruit is still sitting on the counter as I decided to eat crackers and cheese popcorn for my breakfast/lunch. Ugh.

I always feel if I post something on my blog I am more likely to do it, so no matter how shitty I feel tonight I will still go out and take my pictures and I will pack one box as soon as I am done this post. *fingers crossed*

Long Ass Day

I have no idea what time I woke up but I slept for a few hours. I decided that I was going to go the doctors even if it made me super anxious. I had questions and insecurities to deal with.

I forgot to eat before we left so my stomach was understandably churning and I kept telling myself that was why I was nauseated. One of the things about my social anxiety is fears of throwing up in front of people. You can say the doctor is the best place to throw up but for me that just doesn’t click. Anyhow I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before I was taken to room. I was honestly surprised since I was a walk-in.

The nurse was not really that friendly though he was a bit of eye-candy.  Would have been cuter if he was friendly. He did the whole blood pressure and temp thing which I was pleased was fairly normal.  Then I waited for close to an hour for a doctor to come and see me.

I have hay fever. It’s making my eyes, ears, nose, throat and a couple other places messed up. So I guess I’ll be adding some over the counters to my daily regimen.

Anyhow that was pretty boring right..

*if you are under 18 don’t read below*

I have this thing that happens every so often and it is honestly really remarkable but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t mean something was wrong with me. This morning I woke up to an intense orgasm. *look ma no hands*. My body just did it to itself. I knew it happened to men but apparently it can happen to women too. This is the 4th time this has happened. I’m sharing because well do I not share what’s going on with my day. Also it started my day off in a good mood for a change. Not sure if it will last but I can say what a nice way for it to start LOL.

I was up until at least 6:00am hubby stayed up with me while we started watching Arrow.. Good show so far. He got pissed at me though cause every five minutes I would ask him to scratch my back. I’m itchy. Not so bad right now but I am trying to learn to moisturize and maybe wear sun screen since I already have a horrible scar on my back from skin cancer..   I’ll show it sometime.. anyhow.. ya that was my long ass day.

 

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

Today I Feel

Today I have feelings, I am not over happy or super depressed. I am however super moody. I laugh, cry or get pissed at the drop of a hat. I hate that, usually because I am so sensitive to things that are going on around me.

I talked to my daughter today on the phone. She is having a really hard time. There was a boy whom she loved very much, he used her and kept her by promising her he just needed time to figure things out. Meanwhile he kept having other relationships and coming to her for booty calls. She’s had a lot of problems, she suffers from depression, (had) given up drugs, lost my grand-daughter. I’m okay with that happening. She got adopted by a great family from what I heard. I never met her face to face but that is probably best for my heart.

I found out today that he is still attempting to ‘get with’ her and that she has started with the drugs again. I also found out that he had laid his hands on her. I have never wished that I some kind of super power to blow his dick right off.. I am so furious. I can’t do anything but be her sounding board and give her advice, but I so wish I was there to support her. She is going to a therapist tomorrow though to see about going into rehab. I know that it is not easy for her to even admit that she makes these mistakes. So I am proud of her. I am sure a lot of people would just think she just needs to get over this guy. I know that it’s not that easy.

On top of that my daughter saw my father this past week. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and honestly after hearing the things he said to her I am glad. What kind of man talks about his erectile dysfunction to their grandchild? No wonder no one has anything to do with him anymore.

I don’t have a belief system, so if someone who has one could say a prayer for her I would greatly appreciate it. Anything can help at this point really.

Bubbles

I think that everyone lives in their own little bubble. However some peoples are sparkly and rainbow like, almost like the aurora borealis . Some are filled with fire and smoke and whip out flames to hurt ,while others are almost pearl like and calm with a hint of blue ocean. Then we have the bubble which is fractured and torn barely able to keep a float with it’s wisps of gray. Finally there is the black bubble, so dark and deep and filled with hate you can’t see the light through it.

I think as bipolars our bubbles are shifting, we move between the various bubbles and only the people who truly know us can see which one we are.  As our moods change we flit about in one form or another. Not always aware of how our bubble is showing, but knowing it usually attracts others like moth to fire.

With others our bubbles might not show as we feel. We are strong  at controlling our bubbles when faced with the people we don’t know or we don’t want to see us as we are. We act like one while we feel another. Perhaps the most empathic person can see what we truly are but most just see what we present them. We rarely let others close enough to see how our wondrous collection of bubbles we are.

Why am a talking in bubbles? I always consider people to have a personal space, defined as a bubble. I day dreamed about this and I could see all the vibrancy that each person holds. Just the way my brain works sometimes I suppose.  Do you experience all the bubbles?