stress

Fighting Anxiety

Today has been really hard and I have to admit I’ve been dipping into my anti anxiety meds to function.
My wonderful husband gave me a back rub and watched tv with me in the bedroom. He’s being very supportive. Yet he still said something that made me want to slap him hard.
Stop being stressed. Seriously stop being stressed? Omg is it really that easy. Here I go … Fuck you.

I just evil- eyed him and said seriously? I wouldn’t be stressed if I could just stop.

I’m fighting not going to to the closet and curling up in fetal position. I don’t even know why I am so stressed. I’ve driven across country before. I’ve lived in Omaha before.

It’s actually a really great thing that is happening but I am still freaking out.

I hate my brain pretty much every day.

Stress and Hate

4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.

I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.

I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.

I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh

Crappity Crap Crap

So today my husband was told that if we made it to Omaha in 3 days as opposed to taking our time, his work would pay for the move. This would mean that I would be unable to visit with the BFF until we are settled. It would also mean we might b able to buy a home sooner.

I have to admit I am very torn. It’s close to 5k. Yet I really want to see Vany, but we are moving closer. It would only be a 10 hour drive to visit in the future. Ugh I am so frustrated right now. I am going to talk to her about it and we how she feels. Hubby wants to be happy and will go with whatever I decide.

I am still quite bitchy and this is not helping at all. It’s made me feel all stressed out. I hates stress, what are you gonna do though. Either way I will be home soon. Yay home.

Sometimes I miss being medicated.

New Brain Please

My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
Bipolarity.

Bad Haiku.

However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.

My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.

I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.

Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!

Packin and Sweatin

I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂

I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.

Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)

I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.

Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.

If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight.  I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

Total Meltdown

After writing my blog yesterday I had settled down a bit so when hubby came home I warned him that he should not poke the bear. He managed to do pretty well and we relaxed and watch some TV and just kind of chilled. I was even laughing and talking. I thought the worst had past, so did hubby.

We went to bed and planned to watch an episode of a show but then he realized the time and said I can’t do it I need to sleep. I basically mumbled okay whatever, to which he replied something not sure what cause at that point I just started screaming my ass off at him and than started sobbing so hard that I was hiccupping like a kid who fell down. I cried so hard I almost threw up.

Then I started in accusing him of making me stressed out, not taking care of me, and even started yelling at him for our Vegas vacation stating that he won’t stick up for me if his mom wants to do stuff.  I was horrible.. Just horrible.  I sat there kind of watching myself doing these things, thinking man I am bat-shit crazy why are you doing this.

Eventually I calmed down and we sat and had a long talk about our fears and the mutual stresses we were sharing. He never talks to me cause he is afraid to stress me out more, but knowing he is stressed to is actually kind of calming to know I am not alone.

Today I found out we are definitely moving back to Omaha so I am happy about that and with my little mental break I think that I got rid of a lot of held in stress. I’m not happy today but I don’t feel like I want to hurt anyone either, so improvement!

 

 

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

Better Than Yesterday

My mood is better than it was yesterday that is for sure.  I was even socializing in my game, making jokes. Definite improvement.

I have some horrible insomnia again but that’s okay. I sleep so much when I am depressed that I miss out on life and what is going on.

Tonight we had an earthquake in SoCal and it made our apt shake for about 10 mins, it was rather exciting and scary. I had a little bit of a panic attack because of it but didn’t take any meds, just breathed my way though it. I was pretty proud of myself for that. It’s amazing how much I freak out when I don’t have pills, yet some how much calmer I am when I know they are there just in case.

I think if I am up to it I will convince hubby to take me up to the forest. I think the dogs should be fine by themselves for a little while as I want to see a few things before I leave Cali for good. (or until we win the lottery and can afford to live here)

Speaking of which, hubby talked to his boss and apparently we will have the full details on Monday. We’ll see I am not going to hold my breath on this. I mean they need my husband to do his magic so I assume they are going to let us do what we want. We’ll see though. It’s so stressful for me to not be knowing what we are doing. Most would say the worst that could happen is things don’t change. I need a house though. I am so tired of apartment living.  I am sure some of you can relate. I never feel like I am stable or can put down roots, which seems to be so important to our mental health. Stability, yes that would be nice.

Til tomorrow.

 

I Feel Like An Addict

I finally got my clonazepam and it feels wonderful to not have to worry about not having to worry.. Weird right.  Maybe now I can finally go to the doctor and see what is going on with me since I am pretty sure at this point it is not depression. I have a large swollen area around my spine on my sorta lower back. I am starting to wonder if it might be my kidneys with everything else that is going on.

Hopefully I will be able to start going out again. I was considering not going to the new shrink and staying with this one, even though she makes hubby furious. He thinks that she treats me poorly and doesn’t care about me. I suppose it is true, every time she returned a call she always spoke of money first, then whatever I needed.

I at least don’t have to worry about my clonazepam for a month gives me a few days to sit and think more rationally.  I am torn, stick with what I know and get subpar treatment or move forward and try the new doctors knowing I am leaving in July. Which now hubby tells me is not as positive as I thought it was, he is getting details on Monday.  I actually want to go back so I hope there is no issue. I need to buy a home and settle and be calm.

Staying in this apartment causes me nothing but stress. The constant construction, the inability to just walk out my front or back door into the great outdoors.. I hate it. We can’t afford to buy here unless it is in a bad area, so I wouldn’t want to do those things there anyhow.. Sigh..

Anyhow I’ve bored ya long enough. Though tonight I watched Frozen and if you haven’t seen it, it was absolutely wonderful. Even made me a little teary.. I both love and hate Disney.. Belle she is my girl though. That movie makes me cry each and every time. I even collect Belle things, I have a ceramic table with the rose, I never take it out of the box though because of earthquakes here, pez dispenser, a ring and much more. I feel like a little girl when I find a new Belle thing!

I do ramble as usual