Today I am so annoyed and not positive feeling. I dont want to do positive things. I want to yell and scream and possibly punch someone on the neck.
I don’t want to work on my diet. I dont want to be friendly and conversational. I dont want to carve my pumpkins and I dont want to fucking shower.
Being a rapid cycler is horrible.
Fuck….
Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.
I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.
I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.
She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.
My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.
It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.
Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.
When Monday comes around I get lonely, I get sad. This happens almost every week without fail. If hubby is home then it doesn’t. It’s pretty simple.
The fact that it’s been raining since last night doesn’t help. I have yet to buy a UV lamp and there hasn’t really been any sun. Yet I walked outside forgetting that it was a gov’t holiday enjoying the fresh crisp air and smell of decaying vegetation. I found something positive in a negative.
My mother in law didn’t get her loan approval so she wont be moving next door. I have to admit I am pretty sad about it. A legitimate reason to be sad. I can’t think of a way for it to work now. She could sell her house first but then she needs somewhere to live until the new one is built. I can’t take the cats and bird in. She has no where for them to go. Plus another 7 months of not being alone with my husband.
Some things are just not meant to happen I guess.
I’m going to try to not let it get me down. However it is during the week and keeping myself up is already hard.
I must keep my eye on the positives.
The positives are that my house building is moving forward. My marriage is strong and healthy. My mental health is getting better. I am looking toward the future instead of dreading it.
I’m alive, I’m healthy and can healthier. Life is good, even if my moods are the top most, my life can still be good.
I’m incredibly emotional today. I am crying at the drop of the hat.
It’s not like it is even for a reason. I started crying watching anime. I started crying cause my husband gave me a compliment. I started crying because I wanted something sweet.
I realize I am a rapid cycler. I realize that I am obviously not at the perfect dose of medication and may even need a combination of medications to make things more balanced.
I am also bitchy, but the teary seems to be the stronger of emotions.
I hate days like this. I am really looking forward to my therapy and shrink session this week.
Oh! I imagine the mole thing is also bugging me in the back of my mind. Nothing like having an epiphany while writing your blog.
Sorry for the short blog but honestly I am not feeling motivated today. I just know that I must post.
Going to lay back and listen to the rain and try to relax.
As you know I am the What If Queen. I am always wondering what would happen or what should happen.
What will happen if they build the people’s house down the road faster? That’s my new one. We bought ours first, got the for sale sign first and even had our name thingy first. Today even though they were working on our lot they had finished preparing theirs first.
They are now identical. I mean we completely designed out house. We could have picked some fancier items, or harder to install things and they may get into their house first. They havent even gotten to the framing yet but this is stressing me out.
What if I can create a charity? Will I be able to handle all that might entail? I asked my husband to help me do research on who I want to give the money to. What do I want to support, mental health or just bipolarity. I have time to figure it all out.
I never believed that bipolars could accomplish anything. I thought I was doomed to failure all my life. Reading other bipolars blogs have made me believe I can do good things with my life and I can accomplish things. I will fail from time to time but I have to keep trying.
I can’t get rid of it, so I need to learn to live successfully with it.
Today I’ve gone to lunch, shopped for singer clothes and drove all over the place and that was all before 3pm.
I’m tired but happily so as I sit here watching anime on my iPad while everyone else watches football. I used to like football but being here and it being on all the damn time has turned me against it.
It was nice being able to buy warm clothes, all I really had were sundresses and tank tops, that certainly won’t get me through the winter. Walmart is cheap as he’ll too. Sadly I think the clothes are also poorly made but what do you expect. At least it gives me another reason to lose weight.
I watched some painting videos. I need to take some art classes. I think that it will help me a lot. I feel inferior right now. I am proud of what I have done don’t get me wrong but I know if I learn a little patience I could be better.
So patience is my word for the month.
I am still recovering but today was pretty good.
We went out to the lot which is always awesome and wandered around one of the houses that is the same model of ours but is further along in the build.
Went out to lunch with MIL and we did a little shopping. I needed some stationary as I’ve decided to write my grandparents a letter. I want to communicate with them while they are still alive. I miss them and went them to know it.
I cooked dinner for the entire family, SIL, FIL and MIL plus hubby and everyone ate a lot and complimented it. It was just tacos but it made me feel good non-the-less.
Lastly we all watch the newest X-Men movie together which was nice as my MIL has surround sound. We shut down all the lights and it felt like we were enjoying it in a theatre. I enjoyed it as well as the ambience.
so no real complaint today except for the fact I have to do laundry and I am a little hypos manic. I am at least getting things done!
Today I started peeing blood and it felt like razor blades we being dragged through. Y urethra. I fricken hate these things, makes me want to give up sex altogether. I won’t but as I take these antibiotics,
So cold + uti… No fun.
My work day went well. I’d forgotten just how much I enjoy being bossy. Especially about mke release.
Now on to some good news. Our hole now has footings. I’ll take picture this weekend. I was thrilled was just going to look at the hole but there was stuff going on there, so woot.
The last and bee test news. I had a genetic test done for breast and colon cancer and it cme back negative. In fact there is only a 13% chance of me getting cancer. SO th ittl bad thing going on can suck it!!! ha!
Tomorro is the therapists, I’ll he good stuff to talk about that isn’t past crap.
I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.
I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.
Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.
There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..
I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.
Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.
Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.
Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.
It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…
A Bipolars Reality 