depression

It Was An Eventful Day

I woke up grumpy as usual. I noticed that I am having a lot more nightmares again. I’ll live with it, I figure it’s my minds way of being a jerk.

I didn’t let my crappy mood get me down though. I went out for lunch, went and priced stuff we need for the house, appliances and what not. We also picked out some nice furniture that we are interested on. We can’t buy it but we know the formations we want.

I just got back from the movies. We went to see The Maze Runner. I enjoyed it and it was nice being out at the theatre. I did leve my new pink sweater behind though. Damn hose comfortable recliners.

I hope that things will start taking an upswing, if not I M just gonna keep pushing.. Screw the negativity.

I’m Fucking Miserable

Yesterday was filled with flowers and gum drops and everything nice. I thought it would feel that high for at least few more days. Nope!

I woke up sad and grumpy and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. So I slept a good deal of my day away. My husband was home, I could hung with his sick ass, but no I wanted to sleep.

We went out to the lot and even that couldn’t break my funk. I jut want to sob and eat and eat some more.

I talked Tom hubby about me working at phone sex again so tht I could at least make some money but he is concerned that I would have a sex drive. Currently I rally don’t have all tht much of one. I can see his concern and I also can not promise that it wouldn’t pick up. Being a domina can be very empowering.

Needless to say I need a way to make money and it’s the one thing that I feel tht I am good at. I could work 30 mins a week, making two hundred a month. I hope he’ll rally consider it. I want to be able to help gt us some stuff for the house.

I suppose he will let me know soon enough… Life is hard.

So Many Canvases

Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.

Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.

Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.

It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…

Tonight I Hurt

Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.

Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.

I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.

What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?

I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..

Am I a horrible person?

More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

True Blood WTF

I’ve watched it from th beginning. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read every book and whole the show has gone to complete shit the last few years I was so disappointed how they ended it. I won’t say how because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone but omg it sucks hella balls.

Today has been interesting I am conspiring applying to work at michaels. I’ll see if this is a manic episode. I am feeling creative and I am wanting to do a lot of things but I don’t know if they are me. I love creating don’t get me wrong. It’s the other things that I want to do.

I am gonna see the chiropractor because I don’t know how I am gonna feel emotionally until I am feeling better physically. Fingers crossed I get in Tuesday as opposed to Thursday cause I am in sooo much pain..

Why does TV suck so much dick lately? Just saying.

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?

Creativity Ahoy

I am missing my computer. It had my photoshop and music and my photography all on y computer. I miss my stuff. I am going to be painting today I think. I need to use my creativity. It makes me feel good.

I am setting up a chiropractor appt because something hurts in my upper back and I want to start working out again. I need to work on my physical attributes. Losing weight will help me feel better and it will make me look better and all of that will help me mentally I think.

I am curious what my doctors will think to do with me medicinally. Things can’t stay the way they are. I need to move forward. I have had some happy moments which is good. Those weren’t happening that often before.

After I get to working out and get my back fixed I am thinking of going out more.. We went to the movies once already which was something for me and I want to go back and see tmnt. I think it will be cut, but maybe three is a horror movie playing whichever be even better..

We’ll see!

Forward Ho!

Today my head is clear and I am already been giving the normal life stresses that just happen. Hubby has to go into work tonight for several hours, while I won’t be alone this will be stressful as I am tying to mentally prepare for my ECT session tomorrow.

I’m not 100% sure that I am going but I haven’t ruled it out yet either. It will all depend on how well I sleep I suppose. My head is a little aches but not too bad. My chin hurts a little and my ankle is bruised. I can live with all these things.

If it works for my depression that would be nice. Yesterday I felt so off afterwards that it was really off putting. At first I thought I definitely would not return but I am hoping to have the courage to at least do this week and we how I am feeling.

I saw a lot of people there who looked really out of it before going in and that worries me too. I want to be self aware at all times. There is no point in getting better if I’m a bumbling idiot.

I suppose I am kind of arguing with myself but that’s what a blog is for right?