It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.
The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.
I just want to curl up and die. Ugh
I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.
It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.
I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.
As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.
I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.
Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.
My husband never hides anything from me. I occasionally browse his Facebook to see if there is anything funny going on and check his friends list. The friends list thing is pure paranoia.
I don’t now why I am so insecure, but going through it today I saw he and his sister were talking. It jaded me wonder if he is talking to people I am unaware of at work.
He used to be on aim with a bunch of work people now they all only talk through some work IM service. I don’t need to keep an eye on him, he’s a good man but it makes me feel better knowing that I could if I wanted to if that makes any sense.
When will this insecurity stop? Ever? I can’t wait to start to therapy for this.
He was telling me about a conversation about buying homes with a woman he works with, he’s only mentioned her name recently as apparently she is new tone team. It set all my alarms off.
Fuck, I hat my brain.
I hate that I promised myself I would post every day. Most days I want to but today I just don’t feel up to it.
I’m not depressed. I’m not angry. I’m actually ok.
My husband and I went and sat at the beach and watched the waves and talked about our future. It was nice because this is one of those days that I can actually see the future.
Most days I am too wrapped up in some degree of emotional hell that I can’t see anything past the point of just wanting to go to bed a sleep.
Not being medicated is scary. I remember the way I was and I know the possibility of it happening again is high. We leave next Weds and then I have an appt. set up on July first to start working on my mental health. I just need to last that long. I think I can do it.
Course I don’t know if I control my brain or my brain controls me.. We’ll find out.
So today my husband was told that if we made it to Omaha in 3 days as opposed to taking our time, his work would pay for the move. This would mean that I would be unable to visit with the BFF until we are settled. It would also mean we might b able to buy a home sooner.
I have to admit I am very torn. It’s close to 5k. Yet I really want to see Vany, but we are moving closer. It would only be a 10 hour drive to visit in the future. Ugh I am so frustrated right now. I am going to talk to her about it and we how she feels. Hubby wants to be happy and will go with whatever I decide.
I am still quite bitchy and this is not helping at all. It’s made me feel all stressed out. I hates stress, what are you gonna do though. Either way I will be home soon. Yay home.
Sometimes I miss being medicated.
It’s almost 5am as I write this and I can’t sleep. My legs are driving me crazy which tends to happen when I spend to much time on them or the temperature is not the same as my body completely. I literally tore on of my favorite tanks trying to rip get it off because it kept getting underneath me. I finally just got out of bed.
I want to punch something hard. Something that would shatter and send shards all over the place. Piercing my skin so I can think about that instead of the fact that I can’t sleep and the anger is just building and building.
I know it’s the mania, I have to be so careful because of hubby and the dogs. I feel so damn hate-filled and destructive though. I’m trying to control my breathing so that I don’t hyperventilate and make things worse. It is so hard to control everything when I am so pissed off at everything.
I don’t even understand the point of it. My fucking broken brain, I just want to stab a knife in the side of my head and shut it the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP!! I hate you.
Must remain calm…
I woke up bitchy, like rip the head off of teddy bears pissed. I realized that I wasn’t actually angry or upset about anything this was just my bipolarity rearing it’s ugly head. I mostly managed to keep in check only raising my voice or snapping a couple of times.
In the past I would have fed it. I would have just followed a circle of being pissed at being bitchy and eventually turned into a crazy scary person that is throwing shit around the house. That’s not to say I haven’t felt like throwing my mouse through my monitor a couple of times, I just didn’t follow through with it.
I managed to keep myself busy packing, the whole house is almost completely done now. Except for the few things that need to be packed last moment I don’t really have to much left to do. I have a feeling that isn’t going to be a very good thing but I hope I am not going to make a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who can say. I never know what mood I am going to wake up in.
In 9 days we’ll likely be stopping at our first hotel on the trip, depending on what time the movers come and take all of our stuff. I am going to try and keep both blogs going, the lumosity will likely have to wait until we are back in Omaha. I plan to do my blogs on my ipad so expect spelling errors! lol I am horrible with small typing keys. Could be worse could be my head phones.
Well I am off to bed gotta sleep when I am tired..
Today was pretty uneventful. I didn’t go out anywhere and I didn’t have any major mood swings. I spent most of my day packing what we are going to take with us on the road and deciding what we would actually need when we bought a home as opposed to just keeping because we might use it sometime in the future.
I realize as we have almost everything packed, we don’t really own anything, all our boxes fit into our tiny dining room area (if you can call it that). The one thing I own a lot of is clothes and shoes. That took up 4-5 boxes! When we finally buy our home we are going to have space to fill and honestly I am excited about it. Not just the shopping but the making a house a home thing.
I had a short nap it was pretty cool, some vivid dreams. I keep opening doors, I wonder what it means.
I feel weird blogging when I don’t have something to bitch about. No one really reads the good posts and I don’t have much to say to myself either other than atta girl keep going.
So going to keep this short and hope that my days moving forward are all filled with non bitchy posts. I have a strong suspicion that won’t last with the stress of the move looming over my head.. a little over 9 days, eeeee.. That and eventually the crazy is going to pop her head out, she can’t resist. Am I right?
I woke up this morning and was in a pretty good mood. Yesterday I was hypo-manic and it carried over to today allowing me to get things done and not giving a shit what people thought about me. I set 1 new goal and got some more of the packing done.
We leave in 12 days OMG, I’m so excited. I get to see my BFF and travel through parts of the country I have never seen. I mean it’s scary to because we are traveling right down tornado all the way but I really can’t wait to get home! Plus it will be part of my goal to eat pie in every state HA! How is that for food obsessed.
Something awesomely weird happened at the grocery store today. I was walking through the produce isles and this woman says to me, “You are Damn Sexy”. I replied umm thank you and started to walk away when she then says, ” I call em like I see em and I noticed it the second you got out of your car “. Talk about an Ego boost. I’ve never been flirted with so blatantly by anyhow. I’ll take a compliment where I can get them.
Once we got home I was super gung-ho to get some more packing done but I made the mistake of getting a 1 liter Dr. Pepper. Neither the sugar or caffeine agreed with me and after about an hour I was shaking and sleepy and feeling majorly fucked up. Needless to say I went and had a nap. I really think I have to give them both up. I mean I do need to but this sort of just reinforced it.
Now to win the lottery! We got 2 tickets. I don’t need the millions just enough to pay off my bills would be just fine 😀
Hope everyone else had an good day as well!
This always makes me feel so incredibly shy and also incredibly wonderful. Thank you Dyane over at Birth of a New Brain for nominating me for my second Liebster. I am horrible at making thankyou speeches though. So hugs and kisses and thanks from the heart. Following the rules here.
The four rules are as follows:
1) I must provide 11 facts about myself. This is hard for me becsause I find myself rather boring 😛
2) Answer 11 questions created by my nominating party Dyane.
3) Nominate 11 blogs
4) Provide them with 11 questions to answer!
Okay first 11 things about myself.
Answering Dyane’s Questions to me:
1) What is your favorite color? Why?
Purple because it is always vibrant even at it’s darkest.
2) If you could have one wish, what would it be? Honestly I would to get rid of my bipolarity. I could live without the depressive and manic parts of it. Maybe I would just wish to be hypomanic all the time.
3) Pick a song that defines you. Why that song? Panic Attack by Dream Theatre. I always seem to be having some sort of anxiety or stress over something.
4) If you could travel to one place, where would you go? Does Europe count as one place? I admit it is a bit of a cheat, but they have the most remarkable architecture.
5) Who is your hero? Why? My BFF even though she is going through a tough time herself she still makes sure others are ok. She is always checking on me and she volunteers for animals. She is truly amazing.
6) What makes you smile? Wow this is a toughie, I suppose the thing that makes me smile most is my husband. Sounds kind of cheesy but the is wonderful and funny 😀
7) What made you chose the topic you blog about? You write what you know. I know how my bipolarity makes me feel for the most part. Sometimes it does sneak up on me though.
8) If you could live any time period, when you would you chose? I would easily choose the 1820’s. All those fancy balls gowns and the fact that you were chubby and pale was a positive instead of a negative.
9) If you had to give up one of your senses, which would you chose? Hmmm this is a hard one. Actually no it isn’t I would give up taste. Would make food a need instead of a want.
10) What was your favorite movie as a child? Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was a dork from really early on lol.
11) What is your favorite way to unwind? Play Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I always wanted to be a musician and this lets me pretend that I am. 😛
Blogs I would like to nominate are :
A Bipolars Reality 