Today my blog will be primarily pictures because I had a wonderful day outside in Hollywood. We went to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and good around. I felt like a normal person. Enjoy the pics!
I am very happy that hubby is home. On his way back from the airport I asked if he would pick us up some donuts. I am giving up junk after we leave LA so I thought it would be a nice treat. He walks in the door with 4.5 dozen donuts. I mean holy shit. I don’t even know what to do with them.
I’m also pissed at him apparently. I don’t know why I figure that it is likely because he left for 3 days. I basically shut myself down about him for those days so it is showing it’s pretty little head. Seemed like a good plan at the time. I didn’t have too much anxiety unless he called me and was able to get through the time alright. Now I am questioning my entire life, which is me being dramatic, which means I am pissed at least on the inside.
I did not want to spend 3 days being stress about him not being here, about what he was doing or not doing was just easier.
To top it off there was a fricken 8 car accident out front of our building and it prevented my dinner from being delivered. I hope everyone is alright though. Stupid LA drivers though, seriously think of someone but yourself!! This is why I don’t drive. I need to though so I can have some independence..
Anyhow.. ya .. I have a good post for tomorrow but for now.. ya bitchy..
Hubby has been gone for over 24 hours. I managed to sleep last night and only have a little anxiety.
Today has been okay, been wandering the web and finding things to both laugh and hang my head at. Seriously people are interesting to watch. I don’t generally like to interact with em, but I will voyeur via web or store or whatever. The internet is like a rabbit hole. You start out looking for the most innocent of things and can end up at the most horrific or hilarious.
I always try to be a good person I am no angel and I have done bad things in the past but I don’t think I have ever done anything that would purposely hurt someone. It amazes me that people are constantly doing horrible things to strangers, friends, people at work or even worse the people that they say they love. Murders, abuse of all kinds, lies and deceit. It makes me sad.
People also do the most hilarious silly things. Things that make you shake your head or laugh. Last night I was in tears reading the autocorrects for texts. Now the phone does the autocorrect but the people post them. They post embarrassing pictures that have been taken of themselves as well. (I think this includes all selfies) heh
I want to hate people, I really do. I can’t though because it is like watching animals in the zoo, you never know what you are going to see/read/hear next.
I’m bored! I’m wandering around the house. I am wandering the web. I can’t find anything to do. How am I supposed to keep myself amused for the next few days. I’m trying to figure out not only what to do with myself now but as a career.. I need to become something.
I know I am super unstable. Working traditional means is just is not going to fly with me. I don’t want to go back to be a phone sex operator though. The money was good but it made me feel bad about myself. I do want to make money though. I would like to be able to at least support some of my habits without hubby having to worry. He works really hard and deserves not to stress about me and my hobbies and collections.
So I’m thinking, and I’m wandering and I’m seriously bored because I can’t find anything. *sigh*
I don’t want to a be a grown woman with an allowance. That’s what is going to happen when we get the house though if I don’t find a some sort of income.. oh well.. I suppose I have some time.
I need to draw more, I need to paint more.. maybe I’ll be good. *shrug*
Not a good day.
I’ve been trying to better myself. I usually just shut myself off and have nothing to do with anyone but my husband or people in games. I’d rarely opened up to anyone and lied to my shrinks about how I felt because I didn’t want to admit to any weaknesses to anyone. My answer was always I’m ok. Regardless of how bad I was feeling I would never tell anyone.
It got to be too much, I was constantly living in fear of death. Either just by some outside source or by myself. I was tired. I decided that I would start writing a blog on Jan 29th and at the time it was just to keep track of my moods and maybe vent a little. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing everyday but slowly I did. I am actually proud of myself for keeping at it. Besides my marriage I have never stuck to anything that long. I never thought I had the ability to do anything for more than a few days to a couple of weeks.
Yet at this time I am at 145 posts on this blog. I decided that I would write another blog just for creative writing and I need more challenges and am at 38 posts, some days have more than one but it’s another thing I have managed to do for at least 30 days. I took pictures every day for 30 days as a challenge to my BFF, today will be the last day of that. 30 days of going out every single day regardless of how I feel. I find it amazing honestly.
I’m proud of myself. I’m forcing myself to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions just by setting goals for myself. When my depression is at it’s worse instead of sitting and wallowing in bed, I get up, I write and I go out. It’s by no means easy. Some days, like today for example I find it very hard to even sit in front of the computer and try to put thought to paper, so to speak. Yet here I am posting.
Last night I was sitting in bed, so sad and afraid of my husband going on his trip. Filling my head with whatif’s. I am afraid I’ll feel suicidal and he won’t be here to save me. However I can’t give in to those fears. I went to a site on suicidal ideation to read up on it. Afterwards they had a little link to some jokes. I decided to follow it and laughed and cried my ass off for the better part of an hour. I really don’t know that they were that funny but it was cathartic I needed that laughter and those tears. I think my husband might have thought I was crazy. But he loves crazy so he’ll deal 😀
I’m taking a few days off from going out while my husband is gone. I need to work on the packing as we leave in 16 days and I don’t want to slide backward by making my anxiety attacks more frequent. I am very stressed with the move and everything else going on. I fully admit I am afraid to go out while no one in here at home and that is something I will cover in the future, one step at a time.
So what can I do to improve myself while he is gone? I will wake up and brush my teeth. I’ll eat breakfast and I will not sleep in all day regardless of just how easy it is to make time pass that way. It doesn’t seem like much but for me they are all a challenge. I’ll continue to write both blogs and do my lumosity as well. A little at a time right?
To my friends in Denmark who emailed me recently, thank you for worrying about me. I love you.
I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.
I started to post on my blog. I did it to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.
Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.
Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts. I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do. I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.
Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.
I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:
I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.
Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.
Waking up and logging into my email this morning was surprising because not 1 but 2 people nominated me for
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Dyane of Proudly Bipolar and N.Eleanore.S of The Revelation of Being Bipolar. Two Amazing blogs check them out!!
The rules in accepting this award is as follows:
•Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
•List the rules and display the award.
•Share seven facts about yourself.
•Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
•Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. Done! 😀
7 Facts About Colleen:
1) Even though I am an agoraphobic, I love the outdoors. I could hike all day if my brain didn’t get in the way.
2) I’ve won awards for gymnastics and did it for close to 10 years.
3) I used to write contests for take180 and actually was part of some hilarious episodes. Harry Potter and the Oooh something Shiney
4) I’ve never gotten past grade 8 education.
5) My love colors yet whenever I buy clothes I always end up with black.
6) I love painting and photoshop!
7) I’ve never lived alone, ever. Even when I lived on the streets I was with people.
The 15 blogs I would like to nominate are :
1)Change Your Mind!
2)DysthymiaBree
3)Glenn2point0
4)LazyMoan
5)Inside of the Mind of a Borderline Mother
6)Despair to Deliverance
7)I Am My Own Island
8)Bipolar in Bloom
9) Bi(polar) Curious
I only have 9 blogs to add. It has made me realize that I need to be more active within the blogging community. These blogs are all wonderful.
My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
Bipolarity.
Bad Haiku.
However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.
My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.
I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.
Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!
I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.
Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.
We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.
I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.
While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.
A Bipolars Reality 