Bipolar

A Year and Two Days

Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.

My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.

I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.

I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..

Still Gloomy

I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.

There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.

Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.

I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.

A Full Year

Well today I have officially been writing my blog every day for a year!! WOOT!!

I didn’t think I could ever do anything for this long and I plan to keep doing a daily post. I just won’t feel guilty if I miss a day or two when  I move into our home.

My mood today is kind of meh. I seem to be stuck here. I didn’t really accomplish anything yesterday and today I am aching all over. I have a feeling I am getting a cold again!

I get to visit with my BFF when I go to Dallas, it will be the first time we meet face to face. I’m excited and nervous about it.  We’ve known eachother about 12 years now so I don’t know why I am afraid of.

I’ll be spending most of my time alone in a hotel room but at least I get to sleep with hubby instead of being by myself for 4 nights. Plus I love a road trip, over 9 hours driving to get there and another 9ish hours back. Bonus.

I Have No Idea How I Feel

I woke up this morning, sad as usual and dragging myself out of the comfort of dreaming.

Right now I have no idea how I am feeling. I am by myself and that always gives me a low gauge on my emotions. Interacting always brings out how I am actually feeling. Usually Jim brings out the best of me even if I am depressed.

On a good note I have gotten a lot done today.

  • I got some painting done.
  • I did a drawing.
  • I cooked some sausage for dinner.
  • I did some laundry.
  • I put laundry away and tidied my room.

I think that puts me a little outside of depression but it’s only 3pm and I’m bored and lonely. Laundry takes a while to be done and do the rest. I ran out of paint and can’t work on my painting and dinner isn’t for a few hours to finish it. I think tomorrow I’ll start working out. Today I am gonna just watch some TV and wait for hubby to pick me up and take me to Michael’s and the house.

Moods are weird. Wish I could read them better.

So Fucking Blech

I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.

I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.

Screw this depression.

Woke Up Sad.

I hate depression. It makes my body ache, my heart ache and my brain ache. I have absolutely no motivation.

I want an ice cream sandwich and hubby said he would get me one after he made his lunch. He suggested that I get it myself as it might make me feel better about eating it. I just whined that I didn’t want to move like a fricken spoiled child. Yet that is the way I feel.

I don’t want to do anything. Not for myself or anyone else. I just want to sulk on the couch. I guess that is better than going back to bed though. I’ve been fighting that for a few hours as well.

We took our dogs out to the house so they could run around, I felt a little joy at their happiness of being able to run around but it didn’t hold on long enough.

i know I eat my emotions, that’s why I’m fat.. Ah screw it, I’m just gonna try and eat until I feel better. Is this an eating disorder? Over eating?

Fucking Depressed Again

Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.

Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.

later..

New Medicine

Today was ok. I played some diablo and watched some TV. Got no painting done and really didn’t accomplish much. I did go see my shrink today and she gave me a medication that should help me focus more on things. I have a habit/problem of not being able to do anything for more than 5-15 mins. I think I might have ADD, she thinks it might be because of anxiety and the general bipolarity.

So the new medicine is what we are going to try and see if it can help with my general malaise. It’s supposed to make me feel more motivated and less irritable. We shall see. Honestly I am willing to try anything as long as my problems get better.

I trust my shrink. That’s more than I can say for most people.

Today I Hate The Sun

It’s hard to believe that this same sun I was enjoying just the day before yesterday is annoying me so much today. I’m sad, I’m having difficulty focusing and am even having a hard time putting word to blog. I hate the depression, I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a little bit but this morning I woke up slammed by sadness. I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I hurt all over and I am fighting going back to bed.

Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other, the weekend was fucking awesome and today sucks huge hairy balls.. fuck it .. I’m going back to bed.

Painting Again Feels Wonderful

Fe001els really good to be painting again. This is a painting I am working on right now and plan to hang in our guest room.

It feels so good to have paint all over my hands and clothes and be messy. This is my first time trying to paint something that is not weird but I am actually happy about how it turned out.

Today has been pretty good, played some games and painted and killed some time without whining.  It was refreshing to feel like I had something to do with my day.

My mood is still up, not sure how long it will stay here but I will enjoy it while it last instead of asking myself each day when the bad will come. It’s counteractive, it’s basically just wishing the happy away.

I’m going shopping for some paints today and I will paint more tomorrow. I will be happy today and hopefully happy tomorrow.