Shrink

Dreams

I think I’ve probably said multiple times how I just love to dream. They are always so vivid and realistic. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning because I enjoy them so much. I can continue a dream where it left off so if I have to wake up in the middle of the night I just go back to it. Apparently not everyone can do this, so it makes me glad.

My mood yesterday was down right bitchy. My dog Charlie is being a particularly picky eater right now but the dogs have to be on the food they are on because of Ren’s pancreatis. (not sure how it’s spelt). So anyhow the little bugger will starve himself until he feels sick then throws up. I don’t know what to do about it. I might have to feed them separately. As it is, I have to sit on the floor with them to make sure Charlie does eat when he will. I would have to do it even more to keep Ren out of his food. *sigh*

I didn’t go to my shrinks yesterday because of the bad mood and some tummy issues. I hate having to change it, but what are you supposed to do when you need to stay close to the washroom? Bah.

Internet Down

My internet was down yesterday but the days I missed before that are all on me. I thought that once I got my computer back it would be even easier to remember to write everyday but I am trying to live life and I got busy actually having fun.

I was playing outside with my dogs, walking and playing on the computer with hubby until the wee hours of the night. I’d like to say I am going to be writing every day going forward but it’s not a promise I can keep. I am going to be writing at least a couple times a week, maybe more.

My mood has been pretty good for the last few days. Normally it is depression that makes me forget things but happiness did it this time so I really just can’t complain.

I go back to my therapists tomorrow then see my shrink 2 days later. I wonder if she heard about my saliva test. I guess I’ll see.

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

Yesterday Was My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday so I didn’t post.

Honestly I had a lot to do. Nothing celebratory but I had to wash a lot of laundry and go shopping to fill my freezer and fridge.

Hubby and I really didn’t celebrate this year because of buying the house the day before his birthday and the appliances coming on mine. I did have my last piece of cake though!

I only bought low carb/high protein foods and we didn’t buy any junk. We are going to try and eat better and now that we don’t need to eat take out anymore it should be a lot easier.

My shrink appt went well. I did the spit dna test that determines which meds should be best for you. She upped my wellbutrin to 300mg a day since it was actually getting me out of bed and left the rest of my meds as is.

She said the goal is to get me out of bed and me enjoy being out of bed.

I still have tons of laundry to do today so I am going to stop writing. I own way too many clothes from depression/mania shopping but I can’t pair down just yet.

Almost Didn’t Post

Almost forgot to post. How can someone who has been posting every day forget?

My brain is so filled with depression and stress that I am not thinking clearly.  I am worried about everything for the house going smoothly. 16 more days to go and I’ll be in my own home but my mind can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong before then.

I went to my shrink today and she’s decided to add pristiq to my other meds, apparently it works really well with latuda so hopefully I will start to see a change for the better soon.

Today I ended up going back to bed and sleeping most of my day away, all I can hope for is to be more up tomorrow then today. I know it could get worse but I hope it doesn’t.

 

New Medicine

Today was ok. I played some diablo and watched some TV. Got no painting done and really didn’t accomplish much. I did go see my shrink today and she gave me a medication that should help me focus more on things. I have a habit/problem of not being able to do anything for more than 5-15 mins. I think I might have ADD, she thinks it might be because of anxiety and the general bipolarity.

So the new medicine is what we are going to try and see if it can help with my general malaise. It’s supposed to make me feel more motivated and less irritable. We shall see. Honestly I am willing to try anything as long as my problems get better.

I trust my shrink. That’s more than I can say for most people.

Bored But Happy

Today is the first day that my husband and I have had alone since the last time we went to a hotel. I’m bored but happy. I’m glad to have the house to ourselves and be able to watch whatever I want, yet there really is nothing to do since all our stuff is in storage.

Today hubby said he thought I might have ADHD because I am unable to sit and do anything for more than 10-15 mins at a time. Maybe he is on to something. I’ll talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see her Thursday for a med update. I am sure she is going to find the mood stabilizer to be the more important of things right now anyhow.

I actually am looking forward to going back on a mood stabilizer now that the Latuda seems to be working better. I hope it stays that way. Meds and me have a weird way of interacting.

Anyhow that was my day, not really that much to write about.

Dang Almost Forgot

Usually this time of night my blog pops into my head and I write it. Yet tonight I am tired and almost went to bed without writing in my blog.

My cold is now mostly just a sore throat. Yesterday I went to the minute clinic and had my throat checked for strep. The 5 minute test said nope. So I just have to wait for it to pass. They said 4-5 days I might need some antibiotics but my nose is clearing up all on its own. Gross right? lol

Today was pretty uneventful. I shaved my dog and slept a lot. Tomorrow I see my therapist and shrink. I am wondering if I should increase my Latuda. I’ve had depression but it doesn’t last as long. I am rapid cycling, but that is the norm and I am remaining mostly active.

There were more things done when we went out to visit the house. They will be doing the electric and plumbing soon. It’s all very exciting. I will post pictures on Saturday. Now I’m off to bed.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.

Hard Habit To Break

So today was an amazing day! 🙂 First off the shrink was amazing, she just gave me some additional medication to help with my social anxiety (propranolol). She also thought that ECT is a great option for me and is going to get that all set up. She wants to deal with the anxiety first because in her words, she wants to make sure I show for the ECT appts. I agree with her on that.

The appt with the therapist also went really well, we talked about my insecurities and where that may stem from and how my negative thoughts were now habit because my husband really hasn’t done anything to make any of them a fact.

It’s funny my BFF talks about creating habits and what I need to start doing it breaking them. That should be interesting. I look forward to it a lot.

The other great thing that happened is we can start moving forward in getting out house built. We start the process on Saturday!!! I am so thrilled. It was nice to have a good day for a change.

Also I went out for lunch and I went out for dinner and went into the pharmacy alone. I rocked it.