Month: December 2014

Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

Delving Back Into The Deep

I woke up so morose today. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I kept thinking about ways to kill myself. I asked hubby to come home for the afternoon to just be safe.

I feel a little better now that I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I know it’s self medicating but I don’t have a choice at the moment since my shrink is out on maternity leave and I can’t get any help from the office.

I’ve asked twice for an increase in my latuda and havent heard a damn thing one way or another. The depression is way outlasting the good and with all the stress on top of it, it can be downright unbearable.

The thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to be without my husband. It keeps me from the hospital but it also keeps me from going over the edge and killing myself. I know that is probably also unhealthy but for now it works.

I sent out christmas cards to my family tonight, even my father whom has made very little effort to be in my life. At least I got something accomplished.

I Want Beef

it’s crazy, I’m constantly starving and all I want is beef. I am not sure what is up with it. I don’t want steaks or stew meat just ground meat, burgers.. I dunno whats going on, I usually get cravings like this for sugary stuff or even carbs not meat though.

Gonna just go with the flow though.

I got to talk with my BFF tonight and it felt good. I’ve missed just chatting with her. It hurts that I can’t help with her pain but I’m so glad she is in my life. I can’t believe I acted like such a shit out of fear. I love her.

My mood has been mostly bored and hungry today, so I’m gonna go cook up some meat and see if it takes care of the craving, I’ll keep trying til it stops.

FA LA LA LA LA

The house smells like Christmas, the lights have gone up and the tree is standing. MIL is cooking a spiral ham and it just has a nice warm feel to it. I’m surprised usually anything christmasy makes me a little sad to downright depressed.

It seems I might have come out of my depressive state. (I hate saying it cause I feel like it jinx’s me) Hubby and I went to the house and took our dogs. We let them off leash and they ran around enjoying having so much space to run in. It was absolutely adorable.

I did wake up grumpy this morning, but that seems to be my usual waking state. I’m not a morning person. By the time I fully open my eyes a gazillion thoughts have ran through my head and it usually just makes me want to stay in bed. It’s those whatif’s and oh gods..

I seriously thought this morning I couldn’t go through another day like every other day, yet my mood picked up and it has been fairly happy. *shrug* I don’t get why my brain thinks that way it does, I just know that it is my worst enemy and I need to fight it every day. Today I won. Yesterday I won. I wonder how tomorrow will go….

Looking After Myself

so this week I got my hair cut me today I went and saw the eye doctor and got some new glasses ordered. It’s time I started taking care of myself. You know how it can be, you get in such a funk that you just stop caring. You stop washing, you stop eating right. No more of that.

i will start taking care of myself. I’m even gonna get a manicure.. Go me!

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.

 

Video Blog, Enjoy!

My Brain Is Confused

I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.

My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!

 

A Little Reprieve

Today has been better mood wise. The anxiety was also a little lower.

I’d like to thank sudafed for making my cold more managable.

I spent all day watching survivor from the beginning, up to episode 8. Not a great way to spend the day but at least I wasn’t moping, right?

I am doing well losing weight and have lost 17 pounds so far. It feels a little weird and I’m afraid to eat now. Yet I am craving junk food really badly. I am wonderfuil at self sabatoge. I know this yet I feel like this is a losing battle with christmas and all the sweets and carbs that come with it.

There I said some positive stuff today.. nuff said.