life

UTI and More Hole Action

Today I started peeing blood and it felt like razor blades we being dragged through. Y urethra. I fricken hate these things, makes me want to give up sex altogether. I won’t but as I take these antibiotics,

So cold + uti… No fun.

My work day went well. I’d forgotten just how much I enjoy being bossy. Especially about mke release.

Now on to some good news. Our hole now has footings. I’ll take picture this weekend. I was thrilled was just going to look at the hole but there was stuff going on there, so woot.

The last and bee test news. I had a genetic test done for breast and colon cancer and it cme back negative. In fact there is only a 13% chance of me getting cancer. SO th ittl bad thing going on can suck it!!! ha!

Tomorro is the therapists, I’ll he good stuff to talk about that isn’t past crap.

Still So Grumpy

I realize that the moods are going to vary. We are human and I feel that us bipolars are just way more passionate about everything we feel. So much so that we need to be medicated!!!

I was screaming at hubby today as we left to go and try to find a movie to watch. What was I screaming about, I have no damn clue anymore. However a sentence that I said during it caused me to shut up and start bawling. That sentence was …. You know something bad is going to happen right?

A lot of good thing have been happening, I don’t deal well with thing going well and it seems to be causing some mania. As I think about that wonderful high day I had it was definitely was hypo mania. Sure I was happy but I was thrumming with it. It was electric.

I can’t seem to find a level point.

Hubby and I Have decided that I would take on one client for now and see how it goes. I never really thought about it being a trigger for hyper-sexuality, thank you Kitt, that is something I really need to keep an eye on that if I actually get a client.

Thank you to everyone who comments! I’ve mentioned before that I am horrible at responding to comments and then I get to a point where I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I forgot to respond. I try to be sensitive.

However you guys are amazing and supportive and I you touch my heart and give me hope when tiffs ad feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you so much.

Zoo Stuff

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Things Kind Of Suck

Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.

Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.

That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.

Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.

Friendly Fire

I am very happy that hubby is home. On his way back from the airport I asked if he would pick us up some donuts. I am giving up junk after we leave LA so I thought it would be a nice treat. He walks in the door with 4.5 dozen donuts. I mean holy shit. I don’t even know what to do with them.

I’m also pissed at him apparently. I don’t know why I figure that it is likely because he left for 3 days. I basically shut myself down about him for those days so it is showing it’s pretty little head. Seemed like a good plan at the time. I didn’t have too much anxiety unless he called me and was able to get through the time alright. Now I am questioning my entire life, which is me being dramatic, which means I am pissed at least on the inside.

I did not want to spend 3 days being stress about him not being here, about what he was doing or not doing was just easier.

To top it off there was a fricken 8 car accident out front of our building and it prevented my dinner from being delivered. I hope everyone is alright though. Stupid LA drivers though, seriously think of someone but yourself!! This is why I don’t drive. I need to though so I can have some independence..

 

Anyhow.. ya .. I have a good post for tomorrow but for now.. ya bitchy..

I’m Managing

Hubby has been gone for over 24 hours. I managed to sleep last night and only have a little anxiety.

Today has been okay, been wandering the web and finding things to both laugh and hang my head at.  Seriously people are interesting to watch. I don’t generally like to interact with em, but I will voyeur via web or store or whatever. The internet is like a rabbit hole. You start out looking for the most innocent of things and can end up at the most horrific or hilarious.

I always try to be a good person I am no angel and I have done bad things in the past but I don’t think I have ever done anything that would purposely hurt someone. It amazes me that people are constantly doing horrible things to strangers, friends, people at work or even worse the people that they say they love. Murders, abuse of all kinds, lies and deceit.  It makes me sad.

People also do the most hilarious silly things. Things that make you shake your head or laugh. Last night I was in tears reading the autocorrects for texts. Now the phone does the autocorrect but the people post them. They post embarrassing pictures that have been taken of themselves as well.  (I think this includes all selfies) heh

I want to hate people, I really do. I can’t though because it is like watching animals in the zoo, you never know what you are going to see/read/hear next.

The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..

 

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Is Being Happy Is Tiresome?

I’ve been perkily happy the last little while I think that it has to do with being off the lamictal and less stress in our lives. Honestly finding out that we were moving sooner just lifted layers off me. I am sure no one is eager to live with their mother in law for a time but it will get us the house we want. I really need to pay off all the cc cards I filled from the previous blog post.

We are hoping to buy by October. Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none. I always did the house up, got the large candy bars for the kids and occasionally dressed up myself. It’s a wonderful holiday in the Midwest cause everything smells so earthy, the leaves are falling and it makes everything sort of creepy. I get so excited thinking about it. We’ll need furniture but I think I would rather worry about decorating the house the right way. Then there is Christmas another wonderful house decorating time.. eeeee I am so excited!

I do have moments where I wonder if I am happy like this all the time will I just get annoying? I feel like I might. I am positively bubbly and perky. Have a ton of energy and want to do things. I wonder what the hubby thinks, am afraid to ask. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to jinx it by being stupid. Lord knows that happens to me a lot. I can’t just go with the flow.

I’ve decided once we move I am giving up the mmorpg’s hopefully for good. All our stuff will be in storage so I’ll only have my laptop to write my blog on and maybe more of the book I am trying to write.. Could be very good for me… we’ll see right now I am just freaking myself out cause I am smiling.. weirdness.