mania

Ring My Bell

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/saved-by-the-bell/

I was never a popular kid. In fact I had very few friends because of my radical mood swings. One moment I would shy and withdrawn and the next I would be super over confident. No one knew what to make of me.

Our high school was having a walk-out because of some new rule about leaving school grounds during school hours. A few very handsome seniors came up to me before it happened and started flirting with me. Of course I was incredibly flattered and wandered outside to have a smoke with them thinking I might be getting a new boyfriend.

They had other plans for me though. They wanted me to pull the fire alarm at a specific moment to start the walk out. I guess I did have a reputation for being a bit of a bad girl. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do these guys a favor and agreed.

It was close to the time for me to pull the alarm and I stood there nervously pacing back and forth in front of it watching the clock. I moved forward and just as my fingers were about to pull it down and break the glass it went off, literally scaring the shit out of me and emptying the classrooms. A few people saw me frozen there which made me hastily leave for home just like everyone else.

The next day the principal of the school called me into the office saying that it was me that pulled the alarm. I of course denied it as he yelled and threatened me. He even used the strap on the corner of his desk making a huge dent. He also called in the fire chief to tell me about the fines and possible jail time I might get.

The lucky thing for me when that little piece of glass breaks it leaves a invisible dye all over your fingers and as the saying goes my hands were clean.

 

 

Do You See What I See?

*might accidently spoil something for the show Black Box*

I watched the new show on television called Black Box. I expected to feel a multitude of feelings about the main character as she is bipolar. We tend to get defensive and critical about people playing the roles we ourselves experience in life.

I was mostly interested in her behavior as she went through multiple med withdrawals. Was it written so that people who weren’t bipolar could experience the extremes we go through. Possibly exaggerated in some cases? There were several places I wholeheartedly agreed with having felt before and had responded in similar manners. I am usually fairly quick to high if I miss my meds for a day. At one point I was taking them every other day and it would keep me in a constant state of Euphoria. It wore off though and then I just had days and days of depression.

Hyper sexuality I have experienced this one a great deal. I would think myself the most amazing sexy desirable woman and no one could look at me without wanting me, man or woman. I remember how powerful I felt. I guess one would say super human.

Dancing to the music in my head. I do this often. I also often make up songs about everything. Picture Jess from New Girl. I’m am very similar to her when I am hypo-manic. Without the goody two shoes thing. I’ve never been a good girl. I’m kind but I’m not good.

Hateful anger.. I used to have this a lot. Its one of the reasons I tried to kill myself once.. Over laundry.. seriously..

I don’t hallucinate like a lot of people do. I have smaller ones but perhaps that is because I am almost always partially medicated.

The show made me miss parts of myself that are gone, but it made me realize that there are reason I take medications and I need to continue to do it for myself and my family. (hubby, dogs and best friend).

Either way it was an interesting watch and I will likely watch more..

A poll though….

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.  I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.  I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Total Meltdown

After writing my blog yesterday I had settled down a bit so when hubby came home I warned him that he should not poke the bear. He managed to do pretty well and we relaxed and watch some TV and just kind of chilled. I was even laughing and talking. I thought the worst had past, so did hubby.

We went to bed and planned to watch an episode of a show but then he realized the time and said I can’t do it I need to sleep. I basically mumbled okay whatever, to which he replied something not sure what cause at that point I just started screaming my ass off at him and than started sobbing so hard that I was hiccupping like a kid who fell down. I cried so hard I almost threw up.

Then I started in accusing him of making me stressed out, not taking care of me, and even started yelling at him for our Vegas vacation stating that he won’t stick up for me if his mom wants to do stuff.  I was horrible.. Just horrible.  I sat there kind of watching myself doing these things, thinking man I am bat-shit crazy why are you doing this.

Eventually I calmed down and we sat and had a long talk about our fears and the mutual stresses we were sharing. He never talks to me cause he is afraid to stress me out more, but knowing he is stressed to is actually kind of calming to know I am not alone.

Today I found out we are definitely moving back to Omaha so I am happy about that and with my little mental break I think that I got rid of a lot of held in stress. I’m not happy today but I don’t feel like I want to hurt anyone either, so improvement!

 

 

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.

sigh

Bubbles

I think that everyone lives in their own little bubble. However some peoples are sparkly and rainbow like, almost like the aurora borealis . Some are filled with fire and smoke and whip out flames to hurt ,while others are almost pearl like and calm with a hint of blue ocean. Then we have the bubble which is fractured and torn barely able to keep a float with it’s wisps of gray. Finally there is the black bubble, so dark and deep and filled with hate you can’t see the light through it.

I think as bipolars our bubbles are shifting, we move between the various bubbles and only the people who truly know us can see which one we are.  As our moods change we flit about in one form or another. Not always aware of how our bubble is showing, but knowing it usually attracts others like moth to fire.

With others our bubbles might not show as we feel. We are strong  at controlling our bubbles when faced with the people we don’t know or we don’t want to see us as we are. We act like one while we feel another. Perhaps the most empathic person can see what we truly are but most just see what we present them. We rarely let others close enough to see how our wondrous collection of bubbles we are.

Why am a talking in bubbles? I always consider people to have a personal space, defined as a bubble. I day dreamed about this and I could see all the vibrancy that each person holds. Just the way my brain works sometimes I suppose.  Do you experience all the bubbles?

I Am A Scary Bitch Sometimes

I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!

I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.

I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.

More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.

I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.

Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.

I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.

I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!