Bipolar

My Smile Is Hidden From Me

I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.

Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface.  I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities.  I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.

I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.

This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.

My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.

It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me.  I hate that shit..

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Is Being Happy Is Tiresome?

I’ve been perkily happy the last little while I think that it has to do with being off the lamictal and less stress in our lives. Honestly finding out that we were moving sooner just lifted layers off me. I am sure no one is eager to live with their mother in law for a time but it will get us the house we want. I really need to pay off all the cc cards I filled from the previous blog post.

We are hoping to buy by October. Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none. I always did the house up, got the large candy bars for the kids and occasionally dressed up myself. It’s a wonderful holiday in the Midwest cause everything smells so earthy, the leaves are falling and it makes everything sort of creepy. I get so excited thinking about it. We’ll need furniture but I think I would rather worry about decorating the house the right way. Then there is Christmas another wonderful house decorating time.. eeeee I am so excited!

I do have moments where I wonder if I am happy like this all the time will I just get annoying? I feel like I might. I am positively bubbly and perky. Have a ton of energy and want to do things. I wonder what the hubby thinks, am afraid to ask. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to jinx it by being stupid. Lord knows that happens to me a lot. I can’t just go with the flow.

I’ve decided once we move I am giving up the mmorpg’s hopefully for good. All our stuff will be in storage so I’ll only have my laptop to write my blog on and maybe more of the book I am trying to write.. Could be very good for me… we’ll see right now I am just freaking myself out cause I am smiling.. weirdness.

I Hate World of Warcraft!!!

Today I’m pissed, but I am actually pissed for a reason. I have played this World of Warcraft since 1 year after it came out, so maybe 9 years with a break or two. I’m a completest so I collect all the pets and mounts and do all the achievements.

I hate the way the game has changed and I hate the way it forces me to PVP (player vs player) to make an achievement that in of itself takes a full year or longer to get all the things done for. It made me realize that no matter how hard I work at things it will just take my time and money and give me no sense of satisfaction. I waited a full year to try again but things are so unbalanced that I will never get this achievement.

People who don’t play online roleplaying games really don’t understand this feeling. I play 4 different games just to get my thrill. I think it’s a form of gambling and I think it’s an addiction that I should just quit doing. I feel like I am nerd raging right now.

Rift – Which is an awesome game for creativity, if you have an unending flow of cash and the need to build this game it fun. I literally have spent 10000 though. 😦  Yes that’s dollars I didn’t have.

WoW – If you like neverending questing or crappy pvp this game is for you! The graphics are lovely but the game itself is like the song that never ends. I’ve already spent a couple of hundred dollars since I came back.. regret much? omg yes

Guild Wars – Now if you like PVP this is a great game! However there are lots of little things to spend your money on. I’ve probably spent about 1500ish.

Marvel Heroes – This game is great if you like picking up shining and like a more diablo play style. Again though with heroes and outfits I have spent at least 2000+ dollars

If you have some self control three of these games are free-to-play and you can still have a really good time. WoW isn’t though it requires a subscription and your fucking soul. I really need something new to do with my life, it makes me sad just writing all this crap out.. Years and cash down the drain..  I feel like I’ve been robbed.

 

I Want I Want

My husband spoils me. Honestly sometimes I act like a petulant child if I don’t get what I want. So he rarely if ever says no to me. It’s a flaw in us both. He wants me to be happy and I want to be happy. Seems like a nice enough arrangement. I’m treated like a princess

There is a problem with someone who never says no to you especially when you can’t say no to yourself. I want to lose weight and I’ll tell my husband not to buy me anymore sweets or salties. That lasts for a day or two when I really feel I almost need these things. My body is aching with craving, it makes my entire body thrum until I finally start the talk with hubby about getting me just these one or twos things. He always gives in. It’s frustrating.

I want to lose weight I know I am unhealthy and when you Doctor says to you even before you physical that you qualify for some kind of stomach surgery you know it’s bad. I can’t stop eating crap though. It’s not that I am lazy I walk almost daily and plan to move back into more when this flu is completely gone. I even mostly like healthy foods, specially raw fruits and veggies. I hate the fact that I just want to each tons of chocolate and cookies and chips and crackers. I feel so guilty afterwards, if I didn’t hate the feeling of being nauseated I swear I would become bulimic.  I likely will end up getting the lap-band once we got back to Omaha, I hope hubby learns to say no..

I want I want.. I want a better life, I want to be healthy, I want to feel beautiful.. I can say all this now until the next time I crave.. Ugh I don’t know what to do. It’s probably killing me..

Do You See What I See?

*might accidently spoil something for the show Black Box*

I watched the new show on television called Black Box. I expected to feel a multitude of feelings about the main character as she is bipolar. We tend to get defensive and critical about people playing the roles we ourselves experience in life.

I was mostly interested in her behavior as she went through multiple med withdrawals. Was it written so that people who weren’t bipolar could experience the extremes we go through. Possibly exaggerated in some cases? There were several places I wholeheartedly agreed with having felt before and had responded in similar manners. I am usually fairly quick to high if I miss my meds for a day. At one point I was taking them every other day and it would keep me in a constant state of Euphoria. It wore off though and then I just had days and days of depression.

Hyper sexuality I have experienced this one a great deal. I would think myself the most amazing sexy desirable woman and no one could look at me without wanting me, man or woman. I remember how powerful I felt. I guess one would say super human.

Dancing to the music in my head. I do this often. I also often make up songs about everything. Picture Jess from New Girl. I’m am very similar to her when I am hypo-manic. Without the goody two shoes thing. I’ve never been a good girl. I’m kind but I’m not good.

Hateful anger.. I used to have this a lot. Its one of the reasons I tried to kill myself once.. Over laundry.. seriously..

I don’t hallucinate like a lot of people do. I have smaller ones but perhaps that is because I am almost always partially medicated.

The show made me miss parts of myself that are gone, but it made me realize that there are reason I take medications and I need to continue to do it for myself and my family. (hubby, dogs and best friend).

Either way it was an interesting watch and I will likely watch more..

A poll though….

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Feeling Even Better.. Achooooo

Another day with no lithium and my flu is feeling better. The constant need to pee is almost gone and I sorta slept last night.

Tonight hubby went out to dinner with the people from work, it happens every 3 months or so and usually I can handle it ok. Tonight though he was at this incredible restaurant on the ocean and it looked so romantic. (He was taking pictures) it started setting off my insecurities. I’m going to voice them here because I know they are ridicuous but need to get them off my chest.

1) He is ‘seeing’ someone from work. This person lives in Omaha so that is why he even brought up us moving back there.

2) While saying that the move would be good for me, we will be spending less time to together. I worry he will be more out of touch.

3)I think he’s a god so everyone else will right?

honestly these things seem even more stupid typed out. It’s the way my brain works though. I think that if I get some therapy I will learn to realize that he loves me and that’s why he is nice to me not because he is guilty of some crime.

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.

I Saw A Possum

We decided to take the dogs for a walk this afternoon and Charlie got on the scent to something, pulling at the leash, while I am trying to get Ren to move at all.. All of a sudden I hear.. it’s a possum.. and it was! I’ve never seen one in a non-zoo environment before so I was interesting as we steered clear of the sharp pointy teeth.. It didn’t look pissed but I remembered hearing how nasty they could be..

Today I am in the mixed episode kind of place, sickenly happy then terribly sad and teary.. I hate this place.. I honestly should be just happy. My husband is being so wonderful. I did such a great job in Las Vegas and I’ve set my diet plans for Monday and I’ve decided I am going to write my book, even if I only do it for 15 minutes a day. I want to accomplish that in my life.

I don’t want to go back down again… I like being up here…  I’m scared