sleep

Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

So Far, So Good

Today I went to lunch and shopping unmedicated to do something I enjoyed while I was having anxiety. It went ok I’m still living and I didn’t run away which is something. Every single thing I do unmedicated is an an achievement.

My gerd is really bugging me and it is giving me some stress but I am not going to let it get to me. I’m gonna take a pill and move on. Eating is becoming just unejoysble. I guess that I one way to lose weight.

I’ll let you know now it goes tomorrow if I go..

Almost Time For Bed

Its 10:14pm and i should be heading to bed but i am just a little to stressed to sleep quite yet. I added a countdown to my first ECT appt and you’ll be able to see when it starts for me. I wish I could film the whole thing for everyone to see. I wonder if they would let me, cant hurt to ask right? I could get hubs or a nurse to record it.

Eh we’ll see. I’m gonna chill and watch some Sherlock Holmes then head to bed, see you sometime tomorrow, hopefully

Stomach Bug

Last night I ended up puking my guts out. Maybe too much info but needless to say my physical feelings overtook my emotional ones quickly.

I’ve spent the entire day mostly just trying to chill out and keep what little food i put into me down. I didn’t have time to stress about signing the contract tomorrow and I’m not gonna do it now either.

My mom in law has fricken shingles. I hope she doesn’t pass that shit over to me because that would suck big hairy nutsacks.

I’m going to head to bed. Sorry I’m not writing a deeply in-depth post but i just need some sleep.

Bipolar’s Stuck In Their Teens

This is my opinion and pertains to me only, so don’t have a shit fit 😛

I feel like I am still stuck in my teens. I am rebellious, precocious, dramatic, manipulative and many other things that pertain to the angst of being a teenager.

I want to be a grown up, but I realize that when it comes down to it, I am just stuck on an emotional level. My husband says I see him as an authority figure as I often say no just to be spiteful. Sometimes I think that is true. Of course when he says it to me I deny it completely because seriously why would I admit that?

It gets worse the more depressed I get typically. When I am happy I am agreeable to most things. I am also more responsible, I spend less and I eat better. My depression is starting to raise it’s ugly head.

I have said in the past few weeks I have been weepy. Well it’s getting worse. Almost anything is setting it off. Really it could have better timing. I have packing to do, I have pictures to take and walks to go on.

I’m starting to feel drained though. Less likely to do anything. This is always the hardest time to be an adult and keep my word. I need to take better care of myself this time around. I can’t let it immobilize me. I need that teenager that is in me to rebel against the depression.

Really all I can do is hope.  Right now I am fighting the urge to just curl back up in bed and sleep.  My grapefruit is still sitting on the counter as I decided to eat crackers and cheese popcorn for my breakfast/lunch. Ugh.

I always feel if I post something on my blog I am more likely to do it, so no matter how shitty I feel tonight I will still go out and take my pictures and I will pack one box as soon as I am done this post. *fingers crossed*

Long Ass Day

I have no idea what time I woke up but I slept for a few hours. I decided that I was going to go the doctors even if it made me super anxious. I had questions and insecurities to deal with.

I forgot to eat before we left so my stomach was understandably churning and I kept telling myself that was why I was nauseated. One of the things about my social anxiety is fears of throwing up in front of people. You can say the doctor is the best place to throw up but for me that just doesn’t click. Anyhow I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before I was taken to room. I was honestly surprised since I was a walk-in.

The nurse was not really that friendly though he was a bit of eye-candy.  Would have been cuter if he was friendly. He did the whole blood pressure and temp thing which I was pleased was fairly normal.  Then I waited for close to an hour for a doctor to come and see me.

I have hay fever. It’s making my eyes, ears, nose, throat and a couple other places messed up. So I guess I’ll be adding some over the counters to my daily regimen.

Anyhow that was pretty boring right..

*if you are under 18 don’t read below*

I have this thing that happens every so often and it is honestly really remarkable but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t mean something was wrong with me. This morning I woke up to an intense orgasm. *look ma no hands*. My body just did it to itself. I knew it happened to men but apparently it can happen to women too. This is the 4th time this has happened. I’m sharing because well do I not share what’s going on with my day. Also it started my day off in a good mood for a change. Not sure if it will last but I can say what a nice way for it to start LOL.

I was up until at least 6:00am hubby stayed up with me while we started watching Arrow.. Good show so far. He got pissed at me though cause every five minutes I would ask him to scratch my back. I’m itchy. Not so bad right now but I am trying to learn to moisturize and maybe wear sun screen since I already have a horrible scar on my back from skin cancer..   I’ll show it sometime.. anyhow.. ya that was my long ass day.

 

The Princess and the Pea

helovesmeTook me a while to post today because everything is pissing me off. Creating pissed me off, my dogs are pissing me off, EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Even my husband is pissing me off and he is also as usual making me insecure. The first part he is well aware of and possibly even enjoying a little. I’m so stressed out and he can’t stop being a prick. Normally he is awesome. I am over sensitive but OMFG he is just bitching and moaning about everything when really I would like to just stress about what is going on now instead of 5 weeks from now. Then complaining he is not allowed to be stressed out. Of course he is, but can I seriously just kind of get my meds under some kind of control before you push me over the edge dude. I rarely complain about him because he is my angel but today I just want to punch him in the face. I know it is even unrealistic anger  but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it from my head all the way down to my toes. Like if I don’t hurt something I am going to explode. Thrumming I like to call it.

I know it is chemical changes but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was seeing and hearing things and terrified to get out of my bed. I could feel every loose thread and hair. I seriously am really fighting the urge to shave my head so fucking much. I hate it right now. I hate short hair, god I hate everything. I couldn’t fall asleep of course because apparently I am never going to sleep again. Makes me want to get drunk, but I know that is a no-no with the lithium.

I did find some things to do though which was nice for a change. Logged into crunchyroll and watched a new anime. That killed a few hours since I was behind on it. Eventually I sort of dozed off into REM. I don’t mean to bitch but I really need to sometimes. Things are imperfect, they always will be. I get to write and I get to go outside and I get to live. Which honestly is better than all the alternatives.

Sleeping Ugly

Last night I didn’t have any sleep paralysis but I definitely struggled with my sleep.  I thought I will wait until that moment of feeling sleepy instead of letting it pass. I put on Frozen to listen to, this has sort of become a habit. Listening to Let it Go usually brings a certain calm to me and allows a release before sleeping now this may happen several times a night as I usually play the movie over and over dozing here and there.

Last night though it made me bawl. I was all snotty and watery and trying not to hiccup to hard as to wake hubby. This song that I had thought of completely differently made me think of it as a bipolar. Realizing that even though some people see my crazy I am not ready to let anything go. I’m trying but it sure isn’t easy. Oh yes, I was talking about sleep. After I shut the movie off I tried to sleep.

Anxiety attack. Doze, Anxiety attack. Doze. This went on for a few hours. I picked up my ipad and decided to read. I am absorbed in the book enough that I have forgotten my anxiety and get calm and sleepy. That really nice sleepy where you pull the comforters up around your shoulder and everything feels warm and comforting.

I shut off my Ipad and tried to crawl into the comfort dozing off bit by bit until you guessed it. Anxiety attack. These are happing during my REM, they are bringing me back out of my dreams to experience them. Nasty little buggers. Once I am awake that warmth and comfort is gone and it’s just a cold room where the dogs and my husband are on the other side of a king size bed that feels like miles and I’m achy and feel like shit. Eventually I got so tired I passed out with the help of some Benadryl. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I don’t feel rested at all.

I know part of it is the withdrawal. Right now my focus is so boxed in that I could be on a TV trying to look out at the real world. I feel unreal. I know it’s the depersonalization. I wish the doctors would be helpful with this. I hate it. I find it hard not to do stupid things just to prove I am here.

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.