Bipolar

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

Getting Ready – A Bipolars Guilde To A Night Out

Normal Mood:
Shower – Want to Smell Great, Plus I’ll use this cute perfume.
Find outfit – look through closet and find something pretty easy.
Shoes – These are cute and can walk in them
Makeup – Not too much I hate the clean up afterwards.
Hair – I’ll wear it up, it’s easier and I am horrible at styling.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice. – thank you!

Depressed Mood
Shower – Nah too much work, maybe tomorrow.
Find Outfit – I have no energy, I’ll just take this sundress that I threw on the floor a week ago.
Shoes – I wish I could just wear my slippers, but I guess I’ll change to sandals.
Makeup – Nah too much work.
Hair – it looks fine, a little bedheady but that’s all the rage.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice – ya whatever.

Hypersexualized Mood
Shower – Invite hubby in for a quickie.
Find Outfit- Dance around the house naked, teasing hubby. Eventually pick out the sluttiest dress I have.
Shoes- 5 inch stilettos, perfect.
Makeup- Dark red lipstick and a smoky eye. Sultry.
Hair – Wow this curling iron looks like a dick. Ask hubby for another quickie.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Another quickie of course. What a great way to thank him. Why does he look pained.

Hypomanic Mood
Shower – Turn on the tunes and spend 30 extra minutes in the shower singing into the loofa.
Find Outfit- This one looks good, how about this one, this one, ooh I like this one. Maybe not.. This one? Hmm okay this one.
Shoes- Tries on 20 different Shoes, 1 foot at a time, running 2 hours late now. Show hubby them all and discuss 5 different topics with him while you are doing it.
Makeup – Damn my hand is shaking, guess I am going with the bright green. Do you know how come eyes are different colors? and that I’m part Irish?
Hair – Up? Down? Curls? Ugh I’ll just brush it out, my natural waves will do, right? Right?
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Thanks, but did you mean the dress? Do the shoes look ok? Hey did you see the thing on the news about the stuff? Can I just stay home and paint, or make jewelry or write?

Bitchy Mood
Shower – Fuck that.
Find Outfit – I hate all these clothes, I hate everything in my closet.
Find Shoes – Throw a shoe at hubby for wondering what’s taking me so long
Makeup – No one will notice, screw it.
Hair – As I put a pony tail in I mumble and swear to myself about not wanting to go.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Fuck you. Start a fight about something stupid and end up not going.

Packin and Sweatin

I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂

I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.

Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)

I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.

Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.

If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight.  I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

Water From The Heavens

This morning I woke up and started to go into my bathroom. I was groggy and kind of stumbling 4 hours of sleep will do that to you.

I walk in the door and feel little droplets of water hit my face. Looking up I see that water is literally pouring from the fan. The floor is soaked, the counter is soaked. luckily we left our towels on the floor or it would have came out in the hall. 1 point for slobbery.

I panicked. I hate people in the apartment when my husband isn’t home. I start putting clothes on, trying to figure out what I am most comfortable in and then I call downstairs. The woman answering the phone sounded shocked and stunned. Seriously bitch please.. She calls maintenance and sends them down. I’m like great I finally did something on my own all adult like.

They knock at the door and swallowing I huge lump in my throat I answer and lead them to the washroom explaining what had happened. They explain to me that there is a leak on the top floor they are trying to find but they will gladly clean the bathroom. That is four floors of leaking down to our apartment.  That’s when I notice the dude had nothing but Windex and paper towels..  I hate this place.. This just makes it even more obvious.

I called my husband to make sure I was awake, cause sometimes my dreams are way to realistic and he said this to me after I told him about it. “The windows are fine, it’s the lake in the bathroom that’s the problem”.

Wish I had thought of it too damn sleepy though.

It did make me conquer something though and when I am depressed any accomplishment puts a bit of pep in my step.

No Sleep, Just Eat

Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles.  I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.

I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..

I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!

Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…

The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..

 

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦

Ring My Bell

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/saved-by-the-bell/

I was never a popular kid. In fact I had very few friends because of my radical mood swings. One moment I would shy and withdrawn and the next I would be super over confident. No one knew what to make of me.

Our high school was having a walk-out because of some new rule about leaving school grounds during school hours. A few very handsome seniors came up to me before it happened and started flirting with me. Of course I was incredibly flattered and wandered outside to have a smoke with them thinking I might be getting a new boyfriend.

They had other plans for me though. They wanted me to pull the fire alarm at a specific moment to start the walk out. I guess I did have a reputation for being a bit of a bad girl. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do these guys a favor and agreed.

It was close to the time for me to pull the alarm and I stood there nervously pacing back and forth in front of it watching the clock. I moved forward and just as my fingers were about to pull it down and break the glass it went off, literally scaring the shit out of me and emptying the classrooms. A few people saw me frozen there which made me hastily leave for home just like everyone else.

The next day the principal of the school called me into the office saying that it was me that pulled the alarm. I of course denied it as he yelled and threatened me. He even used the strap on the corner of his desk making a huge dent. He also called in the fire chief to tell me about the fines and possible jail time I might get.

The lucky thing for me when that little piece of glass breaks it leaves a invisible dye all over your fingers and as the saying goes my hands were clean.

 

 

I Am Pissed For A Reason

This is not meant to be political.

This is Mental Health Month. We need to help people with mental illness of all types.
homeless man photo: Homeless Gif.gif

There are so many people living on the streets of the United States it is frightening. Regan closed all the asylums that were there for the people who were unable to look after themselves. So now they suffer with their illness alone and in the streets struggling to survive. This country is a country where we should not have issues like this.  There should be places for these people to go, to get medications, to get assistance. It hurts my heart to think of these people out there. I am not talking about the people who are perfectly able to get off their asses and work. I’m talking about the truly dysfunctional. How do we help them? You can give them food, you can give them money but in the end they are still going to be unable to function as a healthy human being. I want to help. I want to make a change for them. What do I do? Maybe we can figure it out together. If enough people band together they can get something done right?