WhatIf’s

WTF Dude

Today I was feeling itchy and coughing like usual when I thought hey maybe this might be something the shrink should know. It might be because of the lithium right? Then I was writing a list so I wouldn’t forget anything kind of going over my body point by point and found this tender lump on my throat near my collar bone. That kind of freaked me out so I called the shrink right away, no answer. Paged him and he called me back but kind of politely gave me shit for using the paging for a non-emergency. Told me he would call me back later.

So I waited until 7:30pm and decided to go out to the pier and take my daily pictures. It was freaking cold, the waves were high and we ended up having to buy hoodies because I was wearing a tank and he was wearing a T-shirt. I don’t mind I can never have enough hoodies. We hung around for about an hour it was really nice. I am going to miss the ocean. I won’t miss the people here but that ocean I love to sit near it and think.

Anyhow I got home about 30 minutes ago and lo and behold the doctor calls. I shouldn’t be alarmed by the tummy issues and the itching, he is testing my blood on Thursday or Friday. I need to go see a doctor about the lump though, his best guess is it’s a swollen lymph-node but since he is not that kind of doctor and is talking by phone he didn’t really want to guess.

I don’t think Doctors realize how hard it is for an anxious person to go and get their blood taken when things in the tummy aren’t sitting right. I guess I’ll wait and I now have to go back to the walk-in to see someone. I really miss Omaha right now, where the doctors actually give a crap, you know?

Even paying 350.00 cash can’t make a doctor pretend to care here and this new one under insurance.. well I’d replace him if I wasn’t leaving in 35 days..

The Princess and the Pea

helovesmeTook me a while to post today because everything is pissing me off. Creating pissed me off, my dogs are pissing me off, EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Even my husband is pissing me off and he is also as usual making me insecure. The first part he is well aware of and possibly even enjoying a little. I’m so stressed out and he can’t stop being a prick. Normally he is awesome. I am over sensitive but OMFG he is just bitching and moaning about everything when really I would like to just stress about what is going on now instead of 5 weeks from now. Then complaining he is not allowed to be stressed out. Of course he is, but can I seriously just kind of get my meds under some kind of control before you push me over the edge dude. I rarely complain about him because he is my angel but today I just want to punch him in the face. I know it is even unrealistic anger  but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it from my head all the way down to my toes. Like if I don’t hurt something I am going to explode. Thrumming I like to call it.

I know it is chemical changes but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was seeing and hearing things and terrified to get out of my bed. I could feel every loose thread and hair. I seriously am really fighting the urge to shave my head so fucking much. I hate it right now. I hate short hair, god I hate everything. I couldn’t fall asleep of course because apparently I am never going to sleep again. Makes me want to get drunk, but I know that is a no-no with the lithium.

I did find some things to do though which was nice for a change. Logged into crunchyroll and watched a new anime. That killed a few hours since I was behind on it. Eventually I sort of dozed off into REM. I don’t mean to bitch but I really need to sometimes. Things are imperfect, they always will be. I get to write and I get to go outside and I get to live. Which honestly is better than all the alternatives.

My Head Might Explode

My shrink called me last night finally. We decided to go off the Viibryd cold turkey and because my blood was so low to go up to 900mgs of lithium. I will start this Wednesday since my husband will be home and I hate increasing drugs when I am alone. The doctor told me I would have flu like symptoms, but since I have a sinus infection I just can’t get rid of I have more of a migraine and a body ache.

The sun is streaming in the window and I want to punch it in the face. I need a shower I have to wait for hubby to come home cause I am wobbly though. Last night I was just going to cut all my hair off, it’s a little below my shoulder blades. I thought I might shear myself like that sheep. I thought about it and didn’t do it though. Yet ,anyhow. I don’t want to be one of those fat old broads with short spikey hair. I would spike it. HA!

Today my creativity is all in a black swirling blob on the floor. I can’t think of anything to write on my other blog and here I just want to post about feeling like shit. I know its going to get worse. I know I am going to be alone for the worse of it.

On top of everything our house we rent out had some kind of damage done apparently during one of the wonderful storms Omaha is experiencing.. I want to move back there why? Oh ya home sick. Luckily hubby and insurance are taking care of it or it would stress me out, who am I kidding I’m still stressed out.

We drive home on the 25th of June with a short jaunt (2 day drive) to Texas to see my BFF. I am very excited about seeing her. I can’t wait to spend some time face to face with her.

I am however terrified of driving down tornado alley to get home. We are going to hit part of it regardless of the way things go. I hate tornadoes.

Sometimes it is hard for me to post because I only have a grade 8 education and feel inferior to everyone, I hate that.

Okay I am going to shut up now I realized that I am babbling.

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦

Ring My Bell

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/saved-by-the-bell/

I was never a popular kid. In fact I had very few friends because of my radical mood swings. One moment I would shy and withdrawn and the next I would be super over confident. No one knew what to make of me.

Our high school was having a walk-out because of some new rule about leaving school grounds during school hours. A few very handsome seniors came up to me before it happened and started flirting with me. Of course I was incredibly flattered and wandered outside to have a smoke with them thinking I might be getting a new boyfriend.

They had other plans for me though. They wanted me to pull the fire alarm at a specific moment to start the walk out. I guess I did have a reputation for being a bit of a bad girl. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do these guys a favor and agreed.

It was close to the time for me to pull the alarm and I stood there nervously pacing back and forth in front of it watching the clock. I moved forward and just as my fingers were about to pull it down and break the glass it went off, literally scaring the shit out of me and emptying the classrooms. A few people saw me frozen there which made me hastily leave for home just like everyone else.

The next day the principal of the school called me into the office saying that it was me that pulled the alarm. I of course denied it as he yelled and threatened me. He even used the strap on the corner of his desk making a huge dent. He also called in the fire chief to tell me about the fines and possible jail time I might get.

The lucky thing for me when that little piece of glass breaks it leaves a invisible dye all over your fingers and as the saying goes my hands were clean.

 

 

It Saved My Life

I decided to do another daily post challenge. Going Obsolete. Check it out here http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/going-obsolete/

I miss the monochrome monitor and the 1200 baud modem. I miss when computers were used pretty much only for communicating and nothing else. BBS’s (Bulletin Board Systems) were an amazing social outlet and you would be able to easily make friends with people in your town and surrounding areas.

One monochrome monitor and 1200 baud modem literally saved my life. It allowed me to escape a horribly abusive men whose violence was escalating. I don’t think I was all that far from him killing me.

I was agoraphobic and terrified to tell anyone. Logging in and talking to strangers allowed me some anonymity and I found unlike my family or the police they actually believed me. I was offered a place to stay and help to get away.  So of all the things that have gone obsolete I miss these the most.

I Am Pissed For A Reason

This is not meant to be political.

This is Mental Health Month. We need to help people with mental illness of all types.
homeless man photo: Homeless Gif.gif

There are so many people living on the streets of the United States it is frightening. Regan closed all the asylums that were there for the people who were unable to look after themselves. So now they suffer with their illness alone and in the streets struggling to survive. This country is a country where we should not have issues like this.  There should be places for these people to go, to get medications, to get assistance. It hurts my heart to think of these people out there. I am not talking about the people who are perfectly able to get off their asses and work. I’m talking about the truly dysfunctional. How do we help them? You can give them food, you can give them money but in the end they are still going to be unable to function as a healthy human being. I want to help. I want to make a change for them. What do I do? Maybe we can figure it out together. If enough people band together they can get something done right?

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Is Being Happy Is Tiresome?

I’ve been perkily happy the last little while I think that it has to do with being off the lamictal and less stress in our lives. Honestly finding out that we were moving sooner just lifted layers off me. I am sure no one is eager to live with their mother in law for a time but it will get us the house we want. I really need to pay off all the cc cards I filled from the previous blog post.

We are hoping to buy by October. Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none. I always did the house up, got the large candy bars for the kids and occasionally dressed up myself. It’s a wonderful holiday in the Midwest cause everything smells so earthy, the leaves are falling and it makes everything sort of creepy. I get so excited thinking about it. We’ll need furniture but I think I would rather worry about decorating the house the right way. Then there is Christmas another wonderful house decorating time.. eeeee I am so excited!

I do have moments where I wonder if I am happy like this all the time will I just get annoying? I feel like I might. I am positively bubbly and perky. Have a ton of energy and want to do things. I wonder what the hubby thinks, am afraid to ask. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to jinx it by being stupid. Lord knows that happens to me a lot. I can’t just go with the flow.

I’ve decided once we move I am giving up the mmorpg’s hopefully for good. All our stuff will be in storage so I’ll only have my laptop to write my blog on and maybe more of the book I am trying to write.. Could be very good for me… we’ll see right now I am just freaking myself out cause I am smiling.. weirdness.