life

Sorry I haven’t Been Posting

After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened.  Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.

I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.

My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.

Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..

The Miracle of Life

Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days.  It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.

Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.

I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.

Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

In The New House

We’ve moved into the new house. All our stuff from California is here and we moved all the stuff from MIL’s house here. Last night we slept on the floor but tonight we are sleeping back in our king sized bed.. *relief*

Today we spent a lot of time opening boxes and figuring out where stuff should go, we still have tons of boxes to go through but we have to wait for our bought stuff to arrive so we have surfaces and other places to put things.

Last night we watched Big Hero 6, it gave me a lot of joy. You should watch it if you like that sort of thing. Made me laugh my ass off.

My mood has been pretty good since we got everything done yesterday. I was so stressed out about signing the papers and everything and then I didn’t have any anxiety at all during that time.

We’ll be buying a new bedroom set which will be nice, right now our bedroom looks like a dorm room a bed with no head board or furnishings.

It’s sad when the guest bedroom looks better than your own.

My mood has been fairly up today. I’m tired and realize that I really need to get into better shape.

I’m a home owner though so everything is good.

Hubby let me slave on his phone so I could post tonight, is he awesome or what? I didn’t even know you could do that!

More Whatif’s

I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.

I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?

That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.

It’s made today a not so great day.

I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.

Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/

Almost Forgot

It’s been a very busy day and I almost forgot to take my pills and do my blog for the day. I think I would have been angry at myself had that happened.

Today I was in a good mood. I spent a lot of time out of the house. We had lunch and went shopping for some furniture for the house. I gotta admit I loved the thrill of shopping period, let alone knowing how we were decorating the houes early.

We also took mom in law shopping for a new computer. That will either make things easier cause this one will be able to play games or harder because she will want to spend more time on it. We are only here for less 2 weeks and 5 more days then we will be in our own home and I’ll be able to control everything lol.

Other than those things not much else happened. Tomorrow we may do some more shopping for the house. I hope so, it’s really enjoyable and it makes everything feel much more real.

Day 3 In Dallas

I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.

I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.

I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…

Painting Again Feels Wonderful

Fe001els really good to be painting again. This is a painting I am working on right now and plan to hang in our guest room.

It feels so good to have paint all over my hands and clothes and be messy. This is my first time trying to paint something that is not weird but I am actually happy about how it turned out.

Today has been pretty good, played some games and painted and killed some time without whining.  It was refreshing to feel like I had something to do with my day.

My mood is still up, not sure how long it will stay here but I will enjoy it while it last instead of asking myself each day when the bad will come. It’s counteractive, it’s basically just wishing the happy away.

I’m going shopping for some paints today and I will paint more tomorrow. I will be happy today and hopefully happy tomorrow.

Made IT Through Night One

I didn’t think I would be able to sleep last night without my big teddy bear but I managed to fall asleep after 2 hours or so. Luckily they have Cosmos on Netflix and I find it to be very relaxing to listen to or watch as I am trying to sleep.

Ms Ren my little yorkie cuddled up on the bed with me and when I woke up she had managed to take over 3/4 of the bed so it was just like having hubby there. lol.

Today I am really feeling the fact that he is in another town though. I get hugged multiple times a day, followed by snuggles in the evening. It makes me feel weird to not be touched. I don’t like it when anyone but him steps into my bubble, but my bubble feels so empty.

My mood is ok, like I’ve said I’ll take ok over being depressed.

I’m trying to look forward to things like getting on a mood stabilizer and also the big thing of the house.

Not sure if I told you about it yesterday but I found out it is going to be another week before we hear about our closing date, color me disappointed.  Still normally all this stuff would knock me on my ass and leave me stuck in bed sleeping and crying and I’m up and watching some TV trying to figure out something to do with my day.

Can’t wait until we get into the house and I have access to all my stuff. Finding things to do will be easier then.

One more night and day to go to snuggles.. whew..

Resolutions? Plausible.

I usually don’t make resolutions because honestly usually by the second week in January I have failed and am beating myself up. I realized that I make really big ones that are hard to do anytime. Like the common.. I’ll lose weight. My brain just can’t wrap itself around it. I have tried for years and haven’t been successful. So my resolutions will be smaller, easier to manage.

I gave up caffiene (I think) a few month ago. It’s been at least a couple. I didn’t think I could handle it, but it really interferes with the way my brain works and I don’t want to make things even harder on the meds meant to fix me.

So here are my resolutions.

1) Give up potatoes. I can do this, I’ve mostly stopped getting fries when I get meals so just going to expand on that.

2) I am going to try and breathe more. Like instead of freaking out and being angry or annoyed all the time I am going to take a moment out to myself, turn on some music or just have a nap and breathe. Stepping away is something I’ve been avoiding because I dread being alone. I make myself so much more than I need to.

3) I’m going to continue blogging every day. I am hoping to start my writing and picture blog back up when we get in the house and I have access to my computer. This one will keep going every day. I find that most days I actually look forward to writing. There are the ones I dread but then I feel proud of myself for doing it regardless of how I am feeling.

That’s it, nothing special, just three smallish resolutions to start the new year off. I think I can do these. Once I get into my home I may add more things to the list, but honestly there isn’t a lot of possibility of them happening whilst living in someone else’s home.

Do you think you make realistic resolutions if you made any?