Mental Illness

First Session

Thanks to my anxiety I arrived at my shrinks place nauseated and a little jittery. I should have taken a Xanax or something before I started but I know well enough for next time.

The actual session took a while to start because my blood pressure started off pretty high due to the anxiety. I did finally get down to a great blood pressure and I was given the ketamine in two doses. It didn’t burn my nose which I was expecting. The after taste was not great though. Luckily they had hard candies to suck on to get rid of it.

About 30 minutes in I felt a wave of warmth spread through my body and I felt happy listening to the music I bought. It was this really cute korean band. Stray kids. You should check them out. I might need to bring something more relaxing next time because I kept wanting to get up and dance. Maybe some disturbed for next one.

Afterwards I was fine, I little wobbly but we went out to the casino and by the time we got there. About 25 mins, I felt like myself.

I’m really looking forward to the next one. Being able to go off several of my meds would be amazing.

Doing Some Exposure Therapy

Last weekend I did a lot of stuff that I didn’t think I could never do again. Went to a family get together, went to the casino and I went to the opening of our YMCA. We also went out to dinner which was nice. Then I got sick and haven’t really done anything this week.

I asked hubby if he wanted to go on a date this weekend. I am planning on going to Dave and Busters because we have such good memories and I think it would be a fun thing to do.

I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging. I suppose it depends on my moods. Feels good to write again though.

Getting Older

I’m 53 years of age. I know that I should be an adult but I just don’t feel like I am one.

Almost every night I wake up and can’t go back to sleep for 3 hours or more. This makes me dull all through the next day. I can’t really focus on things like I used too.

I just figured out how to save my ass and pay for these cards I just bought without pissing off hubby.

I think that I am a little manic as I am making decisions rabidly. That’s never good.

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

Empowerment

servingI’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.

I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body,  I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.

I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need.  I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in.  Screw that.

I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.  I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.

WTF Dude

Today I was feeling itchy and coughing like usual when I thought hey maybe this might be something the shrink should know. It might be because of the lithium right? Then I was writing a list so I wouldn’t forget anything kind of going over my body point by point and found this tender lump on my throat near my collar bone. That kind of freaked me out so I called the shrink right away, no answer. Paged him and he called me back but kind of politely gave me shit for using the paging for a non-emergency. Told me he would call me back later.

So I waited until 7:30pm and decided to go out to the pier and take my daily pictures. It was freaking cold, the waves were high and we ended up having to buy hoodies because I was wearing a tank and he was wearing a T-shirt. I don’t mind I can never have enough hoodies. We hung around for about an hour it was really nice. I am going to miss the ocean. I won’t miss the people here but that ocean I love to sit near it and think.

Anyhow I got home about 30 minutes ago and lo and behold the doctor calls. I shouldn’t be alarmed by the tummy issues and the itching, he is testing my blood on Thursday or Friday. I need to go see a doctor about the lump though, his best guess is it’s a swollen lymph-node but since he is not that kind of doctor and is talking by phone he didn’t really want to guess.

I don’t think Doctors realize how hard it is for an anxious person to go and get their blood taken when things in the tummy aren’t sitting right. I guess I’ll wait and I now have to go back to the walk-in to see someone. I really miss Omaha right now, where the doctors actually give a crap, you know?

Even paying 350.00 cash can’t make a doctor pretend to care here and this new one under insurance.. well I’d replace him if I wasn’t leaving in 35 days..

My Head Might Explode

My shrink called me last night finally. We decided to go off the Viibryd cold turkey and because my blood was so low to go up to 900mgs of lithium. I will start this Wednesday since my husband will be home and I hate increasing drugs when I am alone. The doctor told me I would have flu like symptoms, but since I have a sinus infection I just can’t get rid of I have more of a migraine and a body ache.

The sun is streaming in the window and I want to punch it in the face. I need a shower I have to wait for hubby to come home cause I am wobbly though. Last night I was just going to cut all my hair off, it’s a little below my shoulder blades. I thought I might shear myself like that sheep. I thought about it and didn’t do it though. Yet ,anyhow. I don’t want to be one of those fat old broads with short spikey hair. I would spike it. HA!

Today my creativity is all in a black swirling blob on the floor. I can’t think of anything to write on my other blog and here I just want to post about feeling like shit. I know its going to get worse. I know I am going to be alone for the worse of it.

On top of everything our house we rent out had some kind of damage done apparently during one of the wonderful storms Omaha is experiencing.. I want to move back there why? Oh ya home sick. Luckily hubby and insurance are taking care of it or it would stress me out, who am I kidding I’m still stressed out.

We drive home on the 25th of June with a short jaunt (2 day drive) to Texas to see my BFF. I am very excited about seeing her. I can’t wait to spend some time face to face with her.

I am however terrified of driving down tornado alley to get home. We are going to hit part of it regardless of the way things go. I hate tornadoes.

Sometimes it is hard for me to post because I only have a grade 8 education and feel inferior to everyone, I hate that.

Okay I am going to shut up now I realized that I am babbling.

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..