anxiety

Boredom or Joy

I realized something lately whenever I am doing something that I think I will enjoy and actually bored with I get really damn sleepy. You might think this would be a good thing at night since it should put me to sleep. It doesn’t though just makes me drag ass low down head hanging over the keyboard sleep.

Now you can tell from that sentence that being on my computer makes me bored. Were I not moving in 33 days 10 hours I would be using my Photoshop and tablet to create, I still might try it but I feel that I don’t have the time to put into it I should. My good camera would be awesome to use if it were not so incredibly inconvenient to sink up to my computer. I might use it anyhow. Maybe I can talk hubby into buying me a memory card port thingy. Honestly creating anything is the only thing that gives me joy right now.

BTW I don’t know how the whole sleep and boredom works on an evolutionary scale but it seems like the bored would die.  UNFAIR!

I imagine factory workers are sleep all the damn time. Why do accidents happen? BOREDOM!

Okay that is my rant for the day. While writing this I convinced hubby to take me and get a memory card reader so I can take better photos, the iPhone is not bad but you can’t really do distance or closeness in any decent way. Maybe I’ll keep my tablet out a little while longer and do some designing. I just need to stop trying to play my computer games because they hold no joy for me at all.

On the mood front I am still a little agitated but I am just going to suck it up and deal with it until it goes away and I go insane.. I get my blood done tomorrow morning so next week I should hear some news on my levels. As long as most of this shit gets taken care of before we leave I will be fine.

Must enjoy life, must pack, must not let this get to me.

Getting Ready – A Bipolars Guilde To A Night Out

Normal Mood:
Shower – Want to Smell Great, Plus I’ll use this cute perfume.
Find outfit – look through closet and find something pretty easy.
Shoes – These are cute and can walk in them
Makeup – Not too much I hate the clean up afterwards.
Hair – I’ll wear it up, it’s easier and I am horrible at styling.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice. – thank you!

Depressed Mood
Shower – Nah too much work, maybe tomorrow.
Find Outfit – I have no energy, I’ll just take this sundress that I threw on the floor a week ago.
Shoes – I wish I could just wear my slippers, but I guess I’ll change to sandals.
Makeup – Nah too much work.
Hair – it looks fine, a little bedheady but that’s all the rage.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice – ya whatever.

Hypersexualized Mood
Shower – Invite hubby in for a quickie.
Find Outfit- Dance around the house naked, teasing hubby. Eventually pick out the sluttiest dress I have.
Shoes- 5 inch stilettos, perfect.
Makeup- Dark red lipstick and a smoky eye. Sultry.
Hair – Wow this curling iron looks like a dick. Ask hubby for another quickie.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Another quickie of course. What a great way to thank him. Why does he look pained.

Hypomanic Mood
Shower – Turn on the tunes and spend 30 extra minutes in the shower singing into the loofa.
Find Outfit- This one looks good, how about this one, this one, ooh I like this one. Maybe not.. This one? Hmm okay this one.
Shoes- Tries on 20 different Shoes, 1 foot at a time, running 2 hours late now. Show hubby them all and discuss 5 different topics with him while you are doing it.
Makeup – Damn my hand is shaking, guess I am going with the bright green. Do you know how come eyes are different colors? and that I’m part Irish?
Hair – Up? Down? Curls? Ugh I’ll just brush it out, my natural waves will do, right? Right?
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Thanks, but did you mean the dress? Do the shoes look ok? Hey did you see the thing on the news about the stuff? Can I just stay home and paint, or make jewelry or write?

Bitchy Mood
Shower – Fuck that.
Find Outfit – I hate all these clothes, I hate everything in my closet.
Find Shoes – Throw a shoe at hubby for wondering what’s taking me so long
Makeup – No one will notice, screw it.
Hair – As I put a pony tail in I mumble and swear to myself about not wanting to go.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Fuck you. Start a fight about something stupid and end up not going.

Packin and Sweatin

I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂

I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.

Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)

I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.

Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.

If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight.  I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

outside the chapel

 

 

 

 

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching  this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.  Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.  The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?

 

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?

 

Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh

 

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.

Anxiety From Hell

Last night we were startled awake by an earthquake, it only lasted a few seconds upsetting the dogs and leaving hubby wondering why they were freaking out. Honestly the man can sleep through anything. I calmly said it’s just an earthquake and everyone went back to sleep. I got 2 hours last night, woot woot. (she says sarcastically)

This morning hubbies mom was wondering if we were ok, turns out there was a 4.7 several miles from here and it made the news. I don’t know why but it freaked me out and started one of the worst panic attacks I have had for a while. Of course I was also out of my clonazepam which didn’t help.

So I sat there for about an hour, heart racing, gasping breaths like they wouldn’t come fast enough and sweating like a football player. I am still kind of shaken about it to be honest. I just kept thinking OMG I am going to die and there will be no one here to save me. I have said in previous posts that I have a huge fear of death. I think most people fear it but I don’t know that they obsessively think about it the way I do. ( I am sure there are more like me though ).

Finally I took two antihistamines and fell asleep. I’ve only gotten about 6 hours in the last few days so it helped in two ways. I managed to get a couple hours in and got through the panic attack.

Anxiety has made me what I am today which is a shy person who is afraid to go out most of the time. I have been working on exposure therapy which has allowed me to move around my neighborhood as long as I follow the exact same path each time I go.

I was going to start working out today but I am sick with a cold or flu, not sure which just know I feel like someone has kicked the hell out of me. I have/had sarcoidosis so I am fairly pain tolerant but I imagine all the stress has just beat the shit out of my immune system. I suppose the one good thing about being around people is you don’t end up sick as often as I do. C’est La Vie.

I am going to make a promise to myself though. I will be giving up sugar, caffeine and grains moving forward. I need to start working on my physical health as well as my mental. I want to be a vibrant healthy crazy woman.

Even though the anxiety is coming back I am feeling emotionally better today, this and the lack of sleep seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I get a bit of hypomania to give me some energy.

Hopefully I don’t have anymore panic attacks before my script gets filled but sadly I think my brain will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I can’t get it out of my head.