Family

The Princess and the Pea

helovesmeTook me a while to post today because everything is pissing me off. Creating pissed me off, my dogs are pissing me off, EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Even my husband is pissing me off and he is also as usual making me insecure. The first part he is well aware of and possibly even enjoying a little. I’m so stressed out and he can’t stop being a prick. Normally he is awesome. I am over sensitive but OMFG he is just bitching and moaning about everything when really I would like to just stress about what is going on now instead of 5 weeks from now. Then complaining he is not allowed to be stressed out. Of course he is, but can I seriously just kind of get my meds under some kind of control before you push me over the edge dude. I rarely complain about him because he is my angel but today I just want to punch him in the face. I know it is even unrealistic anger  but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it from my head all the way down to my toes. Like if I don’t hurt something I am going to explode. Thrumming I like to call it.

I know it is chemical changes but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was seeing and hearing things and terrified to get out of my bed. I could feel every loose thread and hair. I seriously am really fighting the urge to shave my head so fucking much. I hate it right now. I hate short hair, god I hate everything. I couldn’t fall asleep of course because apparently I am never going to sleep again. Makes me want to get drunk, but I know that is a no-no with the lithium.

I did find some things to do though which was nice for a change. Logged into crunchyroll and watched a new anime. That killed a few hours since I was behind on it. Eventually I sort of dozed off into REM. I don’t mean to bitch but I really need to sometimes. Things are imperfect, they always will be. I get to write and I get to go outside and I get to live. Which honestly is better than all the alternatives.

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.

 

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Feeling Even Better.. Achooooo

Another day with no lithium and my flu is feeling better. The constant need to pee is almost gone and I sorta slept last night.

Tonight hubby went out to dinner with the people from work, it happens every 3 months or so and usually I can handle it ok. Tonight though he was at this incredible restaurant on the ocean and it looked so romantic. (He was taking pictures) it started setting off my insecurities. I’m going to voice them here because I know they are ridicuous but need to get them off my chest.

1) He is ‘seeing’ someone from work. This person lives in Omaha so that is why he even brought up us moving back there.

2) While saying that the move would be good for me, we will be spending less time to together. I worry he will be more out of touch.

3)I think he’s a god so everyone else will right?

honestly these things seem even more stupid typed out. It’s the way my brain works though. I think that if I get some therapy I will learn to realize that he loves me and that’s why he is nice to me not because he is guilty of some crime.

Super Sick, Super Happy

My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.

in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy

Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.

I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

outside the chapel

 

 

 

 

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

Today I Feel

Today I have feelings, I am not over happy or super depressed. I am however super moody. I laugh, cry or get pissed at the drop of a hat. I hate that, usually because I am so sensitive to things that are going on around me.

I talked to my daughter today on the phone. She is having a really hard time. There was a boy whom she loved very much, he used her and kept her by promising her he just needed time to figure things out. Meanwhile he kept having other relationships and coming to her for booty calls. She’s had a lot of problems, she suffers from depression, (had) given up drugs, lost my grand-daughter. I’m okay with that happening. She got adopted by a great family from what I heard. I never met her face to face but that is probably best for my heart.

I found out today that he is still attempting to ‘get with’ her and that she has started with the drugs again. I also found out that he had laid his hands on her. I have never wished that I some kind of super power to blow his dick right off.. I am so furious. I can’t do anything but be her sounding board and give her advice, but I so wish I was there to support her. She is going to a therapist tomorrow though to see about going into rehab. I know that it is not easy for her to even admit that she makes these mistakes. So I am proud of her. I am sure a lot of people would just think she just needs to get over this guy. I know that it’s not that easy.

On top of that my daughter saw my father this past week. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and honestly after hearing the things he said to her I am glad. What kind of man talks about his erectile dysfunction to their grandchild? No wonder no one has anything to do with him anymore.

I don’t have a belief system, so if someone who has one could say a prayer for her I would greatly appreciate it. Anything can help at this point really.