sad

More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh

I Hate Being Broken

I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.

I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.

I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.

One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.

This feels like prison!

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

Things Kind Of Suck

Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.

Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.

That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.

Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.

I’m Fine On The Outside

Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.

I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.

Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.

I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.

Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.

There’s No Place

Right now as they pack the last few things we own, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel not only sad but almost like a failure.

I failed to live in California. We have really enjoyed our time here the last few months. I am going to miss the weather and the ocean. I think I am almost going to miss the ocean more than anything else. I’ve never gone in it but loved to sit by its edge and watch the waves rolling in.

I suppose once we get to Omaha I will find something new to do but for today I am sad. I won’t miss this fucking apartment though that’s for sure 😛

Well gotta go, we’re off to Utah!

 

I’m Seriously Tired

It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.

The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.

I just want to curl up and die. Ugh

Support?

I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.

I’m Sad, Has the Woes

And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.

I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing.  Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself.  I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.

I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day.  No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.

The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …

 

 

Stupid Moods

These moods are driving me crazy. Somehow I am still managing to write. I can’t paint though it’s frustrating. I’m trying to do the daily prompt everyday on my other blog and todays was ‘the kindness of strangers’. I had nothing. I had to make up a fictional story. I’ve gotten kind words but have never really gotten help from a stranger and the words are from people online.

I’ve wracked my brain thinking that maybe I am missing something. There has to be something right? Nope. I can barely think of a time where the people I have known in my life have shown me kindness let alone a stranger. It’s rather depressing. It feels like people have been more apt to hurt me then help me.

I don’t understand why. I think I am a good person. I always try to be kind. Sometimes the bipolar bitch slips through but most of the time I always try to be nice and helpful. I give money to people outside of stores have bought food for people who needed it. Have supported family and friend as much as I could.

This makes me feel sad and lonely and like a piece of shit..

fuck………

 

P.S I am not discrediting the kindness of the comments from people who have/do read my blog. Thank you it means a great deal to me. I got so caught up in my self pity I didn’t realize how it sounded. I truly appreciate you all.