depression

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.

fight1

Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.

Bettering Myself

I’ve been trying to better myself.  I usually just shut myself off and have nothing to do with anyone but my husband or people in games. I’d rarely opened up to anyone and lied to my shrinks about how I felt because I didn’t want to admit to any weaknesses to anyone. My answer was always I’m ok.  Regardless of how bad I was feeling I would never tell anyone.

It got to be too much, I was constantly living in fear of death. Either just by some outside source or by myself.  I was tired.  I decided that I would start writing a blog on Jan 29th  and at the time it was just to keep track of my moods and maybe vent a little. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing everyday but slowly I did. I am actually proud of myself for keeping at it. Besides my marriage I have never stuck to anything that long.  I never thought I had the ability to do anything for more than a few days to a couple of weeks.

Yet at this time I am at 145 posts on this blog.  I decided that I would write another blog just for creative writing and I need more challenges and am at 38 posts, some days have more than one but it’s another thing I have managed to do for at least 30 days. I took pictures every day for 30 days as a challenge to my BFF, today will be the last day of that. 30 days of going out every single day regardless of how I feel. I find it amazing honestly.

I’m proud of myself. I’m forcing myself to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions just by setting goals for myself.  When my depression is at it’s worse instead of sitting and wallowing in bed, I get up, I write and I go out. It’s by no means easy. Some days, like today for example I find it very hard to even sit in front of the computer and try to put thought to paper, so to speak. Yet here I am posting.

Last night I was sitting in bed, so sad and afraid of my husband going on his trip. Filling my head with whatif’s. I am afraid I’ll feel suicidal and he won’t be here to save me. However I can’t give in to those fears. I went to a site on suicidal ideation to read up on it. Afterwards they had a little link to some jokes. I decided to follow it and laughed and cried my ass off for the better part of an hour. I really don’t know that they were that funny but it was cathartic  I needed that laughter and those tears. I think my husband might have thought I was crazy. But he loves crazy so he’ll deal 😀

I’m taking a few days off from going out while my husband is gone. I need to work on the packing as we leave in 16 days and I don’t want to slide backward by making my anxiety attacks more frequent. I am very stressed with the move and everything else going on. I fully admit I am afraid to go out while no one in here at home and that is something I will cover in the future, one step at a time.

So what can I do to improve myself while he is gone? I will wake up and brush my teeth. I’ll eat breakfast and I will not sleep in all day regardless of just how easy it is to make time pass that way. It doesn’t seem like much but for me they are all a challenge.  I’ll continue to write both blogs and do my lumosity as well.  A little at a time right?

To my friends in Denmark who emailed me recently, thank you for worrying about me. I love you.

Support?

I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.

Decisions Can’t Always Be Made

I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.

Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.

We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.

I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.

Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.

While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.

Negativity

My husband says all my posts on my writing blog have been negative as of late. Maybe they seem negative but they are really just realistic. He is an optimist, one of the few things that annoys me. I am bipolar I see black and white, I don’t see grey. Things will either be good or bad not in between. The days I have to write meh, are annoying.

I’ve decided to put off the ECT until after the move. It was stressing me out and my husband has to go on a business trip which would be likely right in the middle of treatment. I don’t want to resent him. I most certainly would. I am going to have everything set up so I can get it done when I get home. It also gives me some time to do more research. I could talk to them about it but I like having a lot of questions.

I admit it is scary though, reading the side effects. I’m not worry about what they are doing, but I am scared of death. I know the stats are low, but I need to work past it. Am I using my husband as an excuse, I kind of wish I was but it honestly wouldn’t work. I’m frustrated as I wish they had of called a month before. It could have made all the difference in the world. Now I have to wait.

I am bitchy today, I haven’t been out of the house yet and I am extremely antsy. I have no place to go but I sure as fuck don’t want to be here. I don’t know how many times I have stated that I HATE this apartment.

Anyhow, until tomorrow or later or whatever..

I Hate EVERYTHING today..

Talking about rapid mood cycling…

Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.

I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.

I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.

I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.

Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.

Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.

Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.

Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.

Hello, Goodbye

That is how my brain is working right now. Hello, Goodbye. It’s a swift switch.

I’ll give some examples. I love scratch and wins but I could not bring myself to gleefully rub away at the puzzle. I actually put it aside. I’ve never done that before.

Next I was decided I really need to know what I need to be prepared for Lap band surgery and everything that goes with it. I put in the search for the info then just went meh.. I don’t care.

Luckily my bestie caught me the day before yesterday and talked me into making an appt. with a psychologist before things started going down here. So I have that set up for July 1st (Canada day woot) but that means we are going to have to push the drive to make it. Honestly I’m okay with that if I can start working on my mental health again. A little over a month. I hope I can survive.

I’m mostly tired and numb. The numb is what really gets to me though. Even going for my daily picture thing and writing my blogs is a chore. I love doing those things though. Even if I have horrible writers block I can usually come up with a poem, but now I am having to struggle.

When do I get to be happy? You know a constant state of normality where I can do things and enjoy things and just not go through this cycle.

If the shrinks were most concerned about the depression then the mania, I likely would have gotten in with the ECT doctors and gotten that started. I don’t know that I am ever going to trust any doctors, but we fucking need them don’t we. They can be as shitty as they want because they know we need them.

Fuck em.. fuck it.. fuck everything.. fuck!

I’m A Frikken Zombie

Today I got up for an hourish then went back to sleep again. Then I woke up and decided that I had to go take my pictures for the day so I asked hubby to take me out to Malibu. I’ve been taking a lot of pictures of beaches lately. We stayed at the lagoon and beach for about an hour or so maybe a little longer and then I got like weak tired. I figured I might need some food since all I had had today was 4 donut holes to get a pill down my throat.

So I ate and didn’t feel so weak and kittenish but I did feel exhausted so I went home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later much to my chagrin. I am still tired, I feel like a zombie and the only reason I am up is because I want to post my pictures and do my blogs. I need to keep my word to myself.

I am so frustrated I haven’t gotten any packing done the last two days. We leave in 26 days or so my timer may be off but I am feeling too lazy to correct it, I likely have it set to the 23rd when we are leaving the 25th.

Anyhow I can tell the depression is back because of the tiredness and my urge to curl my lip in a snarl at everything. Need to keep on my toes.

If you have any interest in my daily photo’s you can check them out HERE

I’m going back to bed!!

Bipolar’s Stuck In Their Teens

This is my opinion and pertains to me only, so don’t have a shit fit 😛

I feel like I am still stuck in my teens. I am rebellious, precocious, dramatic, manipulative and many other things that pertain to the angst of being a teenager.

I want to be a grown up, but I realize that when it comes down to it, I am just stuck on an emotional level. My husband says I see him as an authority figure as I often say no just to be spiteful. Sometimes I think that is true. Of course when he says it to me I deny it completely because seriously why would I admit that?

It gets worse the more depressed I get typically. When I am happy I am agreeable to most things. I am also more responsible, I spend less and I eat better. My depression is starting to raise it’s ugly head.

I have said in the past few weeks I have been weepy. Well it’s getting worse. Almost anything is setting it off. Really it could have better timing. I have packing to do, I have pictures to take and walks to go on.

I’m starting to feel drained though. Less likely to do anything. This is always the hardest time to be an adult and keep my word. I need to take better care of myself this time around. I can’t let it immobilize me. I need that teenager that is in me to rebel against the depression.

Really all I can do is hope.  Right now I am fighting the urge to just curl back up in bed and sleep.  My grapefruit is still sitting on the counter as I decided to eat crackers and cheese popcorn for my breakfast/lunch. Ugh.

I always feel if I post something on my blog I am more likely to do it, so no matter how shitty I feel tonight I will still go out and take my pictures and I will pack one box as soon as I am done this post. *fingers crossed*

Empowerment

servingI’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.

I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body,  I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.

I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need.  I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in.  Screw that.

I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.  I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.